How Not To Be Murdered By Your Pregnant Wife
7 Life-saving hacks for the hapless hubby.
# 1 Cut your bathroom time in half.
Wifey will be visiting the loo more than her usual when the baby treats her bladder like a squeeze toy. It won’t matter even if you’re sitting on the throne. You’ll be booted out as soon as she feels something coming out of her. Don’t make her wait on the wrong side of the bathroom door if you don’t want the neighbors to know what a lousy tipper you are, Dave.
# 2 Avoid unnecessary breathing.
You will find yourself in her crosshairs all the time. So keep your human “footprints” to a minimum. Breathe only when absolutely necessary. Sighing, especially beside her in bed, will be interpreted as an assault. Avoid noise and movements if you don’t want the bedroom to become a gruesome crime scene.
# 3 Brush up on your acting skills.
If she tells you something that she thinks is interesting, you better act like it’s the most exciting piece of information you’ve heard all week. “Honey, did you know that wombats are only found in Australia?” “Ohmygaaad, REALLLY?! I didn’t know that!!! Wow! What a life-changing piece of information! Thank you very much, honey!”
Act like your life depends on it.
It very well does.
# 4 Stock Your Fridge With All the Different Food Groups.
And by that, I mean food rich in vitamin “C”: chocolates, chips, cakes, candies, cookies, and (ice) cream. Consider these culinary offerings to the goddess baking something in her own “oven.”
Get ready to become best friends with the guy who delivers your food. You’ll be seeing him more than you see Keith Olbermann or Lester Holt.
Food outside your throat is fair game.
And oh, don’t worry about the expired food products in the fridge. There’s a good chance she’ll polish them off.
# 5 She will cry over dry leaves. Get over it!
(And it will be your fault.)
# 6 Pretend you’re reading parenting books.
The last book you’ve read might be Mrs. Johnson’s required reading in the 5th grade, but in times like this, you need to prove yourself literate…if ever you want to survive the next nine months.
So get your props ready: eyeglasses, a warm cup of coffee, and two highlighters. Sit at a spot in the house she’s sure to notice you. (Wear a neon shirt if you have one.)
Make a big scene out of you tackling the latest pregnancy books. Let out some pensive “Uh-huhs” every once in a while. Slightly nod to yourself every 5 minutes, as if agreeing to what’s written on the page. Swoosh those highlighters so much you get high on the fumes.
# 7 Stop thinking that you have a say in the baby’s name.
She’s been keeping these names close to her heart since she was 4. You’re really going against the whole tide of beautiful memories in her childhood here. So snap out of it!
She might ask you to throw some suggestions into the hat. Don’t believe that for a second. You don’t stand a chance. This is what we call in business or in politics as “pro forma.” She’s just being polite. In the end, she’ll take an old, folded piece of paper from her chest…and it will read “Patrice.”
No, seriously though. For all the inconveniences and discomforts of attending to a pregnant lady, all this pales in comparison to the exquisite pain of childbirth. But even that pales to the joy and jubilation both of you will feel the first time you lay eyes on your little angel. (This pure moment will last until the first diaper change.)
You are having a baby.
Highest and deepest congratulations to both of you!