I Don’t Need Kids, I Have Horses

As a card-carrying member of the “Our Animals Are Part of the Family” camp, I get a kick out of hearing my mother call my horse, Jet, her “grandhorse.” I’ve never been maternal, but have always felt a deep connection and purpose with animals, particularly with horses.

Growing up, I used to “drop off” my baby doll at “daycare” (my bed), which was run under the watchful — though not especially responsible — eyes of PJ Sparkles, so I could train my bouncy horse, Lisa, for the Grand National.

Giving each other inside information

Photo by Lucie Hošová on Unsplash

Very shortly after my 25th birthday, the dream of becoming a “horse mom” became reality. Working as a bartender, I made a living talking to people about life. Of course that included countless conversations about kids and parenthood. Customers would sometimes ask if I wanted children. Once, I responded, “I don’t need kids, I have horses.” The customer, a parent themselves, actually laughed in agreement after I rattled off a few similarities.

YES! I KNOW!!

Owning a horse is nothing like being a parent. While Jet has always been my baby, I realize having pets and raising children are two completely different universes. I know NOTHING about raising children. I just know how to raise horses, and I’m not particularly an expert in that either.

In any case, there are a number of aspects to horse ownership that, in the proper context, are eerily similar to those of raising toddlers…at least so I’ve heard:

They’re money pits.

Many a time I’ve gazed upon a manure pile in Jet’s stall and thought, “Oh look my bank account!”

Regardless of how much a horse initially costs to purchase, the cost of his upkeep will far surpass it. There’s the board (keeping him housed with full maid service at a ranch or stable), supplements, farrier, halters, lead ropes (no, a horse can’t have just one, we’re not savages here), saddle, bridle, other riding gear, treats, toys, brushes, grooming supplies, dentist, chiropractor, and of course, the vet. I’m only scratching the surface. Don’t get me started on riding lessons, clinics, training courses, and other equine extracurricular activities.

They always find creative ways to hurt themselves or break something.

Horses are naturally curious and playful. The byproduct of that mentality is what my riding mentor refers to as “seek and destroy.”

My husband knew a horse who wedged herself into the door of a trailer that was meant for people. Jet managed to get his hoof caught in a salt block holder.

Most of the time, after the initial horror wears off, the innovative injuries are mild enough that you can handle them yourself safely. If vet intervention is needed, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and your wallet.

They’re always putting things in their mouths that they shouldn’t.

There I was, enjoying a relaxing afternoon after a lovely ride, watching Jet and his buddy play in the turnout. I was having a nice conversation with my mother when I interrupted myself to yell, “JET! GET THAT STRING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!”

A piece of baling twine had blown into the pasture, and Jet apparently thought this was a suitable chew toy. On several occasions, I’ve had to stop him from licking electrical outlets, and he once bit — and consequently destroyed — a digital camera I’d owned for one day.

SO. MUCH. POOP.

They only listen when they feel like it.

I knew a horseman who had an incredible partnership with his horse. The mare willingly and happily did everything her human asked. They were giving a group of riders a beautiful demonstration of the bond you could have with your horse when your horse regards you as the leader of the herd.

Then someone watching the demonstration gave her a cookie.

Then the mare’s human immediately became chopped liver.

In herds, horses pick and choose their leader from moment to moment. The lead mares and stallions re-establish their place in the hierarchy every day. When it comes to the relationship between a horse and a person, if the person’s leadership wavers in any way, the horse will decide to do his own thing until his human demonstrates the worthiness of Herd Leader once again. Needless to say, cookies can be a pretty powerful motivator in the horse-human dynamic.

They are SO WORTH IT.

Horses love unconditionally, forgive like saints, and will reveal your true self in ways you never thought possible. Since his adoption, every decision I’ve made has had Jet and his quality of life in mind. Without Jet, I wouldn’t even be married. He inadvertently introduced me to my husband and consequently, means the world to both of us. Friends and family will ask how Jet’s doing before asking how we are.

No, he’s not a human child, but he’s my child, my 1000 lb toddler who will never move out or get his own job or bring ME cookies for once. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean his stall. There’s crap everywhere.

The author with her

sun. Image

is my own.