I Keep Seeing This Word, “Russia”…

Photo by Social Income on Unsplash

Can anyone tell me, is it a noun? An adjective? A verb? If it is a verb, does it have any tenses, or are past, present, and future all spelled the same?

Things are not going well for Vlad the Impaler of all things Russian.

There will be no easy meals in Russia today or this Winter, for that matter.

Along with the collapse of Globalization (another one of those words people keep using as if it means something), inflation is going to soar, globally. As the United States pulls up its stakes in the shipping-protection industry, naval mercenaries will reign supreme.

And if you’re a comic AND a pirate — well — you’ll be providing naval mercenaries with all the news that’s fit to use. What I’m really trying to say here is that the fall of the Russian Federation and Globalization, while predictable, represent a windfall for comedians worldwide.

I don’t hear much about India stepping up doing what they are very good at, namely, interceding between large-scale scalpers and individual pirates, but I suspect that any Indian comedians who can speak in the “coin of the realm,” that is, English with a southern drawl, times will be really fat for them as well.

A lot of people don’t realize that Israelis if they were to take the time to surface their submarines, could easily find their comedians brokering global peace at an extremely discounted rate. If you ask them.

Everyone else would be lucky to leave the negotiation talks with their full shirts still intact and a curious number of Israeli settlements near the sovereign participant’s most valuable real estate assets. Periscope down, all ahead full, Jerry Seinfeld. Could someone finally buy that man a cup of coffee?

Seriously. The man bought coffee for some of comedy’s funniest, but no one sprang for Jerry. Not even Acura, his sponsor, and maker of some of the finest couches ever to grace the interstate. If putting furniture on the interstate is your kind of thing.

Aliens In an Impala Arguing Over Tacos
It was at this moment Arkon realized why he was sent on Earth detail

This leaves you and me, gentle readers. Do you own a pistol or a pea-shooter? If so, let’s set sail and start interdicting shipping vessels coming out of China and headed for the ports of the US. We could keep shopping at Walmart, but, neigh-neigh, I think it is high time we stopped screwing around with the middlemen in the usual global fleecing that is about to increase in tempo and volume.

We could save the world, one Walmart at a time. I’d pay good money to have the old hardware store make a come back…the old wooden floors worn down soft…the grouchy grampa behind the counter who knows every damn thing about screws, washers, and how deep the frost goes down in Winter, but can’t seem to make his wife, doing the books behind the one-way glass, happy with his receipt-writing skills.

And that goddamned bell on the door signaling commerce about to take place; those were the days that most of you are too damn young or stupid to remember. Walmart killed those days just to send pallets of money to China. Jokes on them now, though. All that money is worth less than a tenth of what it was when they earned it. And on us, too.

None of us have gotten a decent raise since we sent Nixon packing. Republicans always seem to find a way to get even with law-abiding citizens, don’t they? If Democrats win a pitched political battle for law and order, Republicans just send in the biggest, nastiest criminals on their Rolodexes to swindle everyone and make a mockery of justice.

Not to be outdone, the Democrats follow suit and find Bonnie and Clyde, or Bill and Hillary, to step in and take everyone by surprise. What I’m really trying to say here is, ALIENS, man. Aliens who smoke dope, don’t vote, and mow lawns for a living. The kind of aliens who stepped out of their spaceships long enough to see where being Mexican is a growth industry in the United States.

Not only is their masonry suspiciously flawless, but Ancient Alien Theorists put Mexicans, Mexico, and all of Central America right in the middle of the first alien invasion. I can’t wait until ICE finds out that Mexicans are not just aliens from another country, but from another planet, man. How do you prosecute somebody who just steps out of jail and flies off in a spaceship that doesn’t make a sound?

I can say this because my girlfriend of many years is Mexican. Definitely from another planet. Some days Venus, some days Mars.

What I’m really trying to say here is that Russians view Ukrainians like the US views Mexicans. And the Russians have gotten their asses kicked by people who make their tacos.



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Richard Volaar

Richard Volaar

I've won a couple of minor awards, my second being a speech I wrote for the VFW about why I care about America. It won and I made 25 bucks. Now I'm in IT.