I Met Someone Nice. I Broke Up With Him 2 days Later.
Because My Body Kept Score.
After over 150 first dates across 6 years, I met a good man. His name was Mark. He was a good and kind person. In a sea of emotional triggers that is the “dating in New York City experience”, he stood out. Like an unexpected, beautiful, fresh flower in the mud. He was kind and respectful and I felt comfortable enough to tell him some of my deepest secrets. He listened with no judgment and only openness. If he was shocked, he expressed it in a reserved manner so I wouldn’t think I was completely batshit crazy.
Maybe it was the fact that he had gone through similar experiences as me or that he was a genuinely good person (both of those things could be true), he accepted whatever unfinished version of myself I was.
We began dating. I began to love Mark. It felt easy to.
There was only 1 problem. Mark wanted a ‘monogamish’ relationship. (If you are one of those people who is getting increasingly irritated with the litany of words that can now be used to define a romantic relationship, join the club).
Monogamish means wanting a primary relationship but with the occasional physical dalliance.
I was in 2 minds about this. It seemed like a cop-out. So, you want me but you also maybe, kind of, sometimes want other women? It sounded like he wanted to cheat but with my permission. Obviously, I would also be allowed to have other partners. I can just about handle one relationship and this man thinks I should handle multiple ones?
I had too many issues with this.
My heart is not built for casual flings. My body and heart usually tend to go in opposite directions where matters of physicality are concerned and I tend to listen to my heart because it beats with a stronger force than my head. The problem is that this leads me to very frustrating outcomes. I also had an issue with this ‘monogamish’ stuff, which sounded just like consensual cheating to me. I suppose I’m a traditionalist at heart. But, I loved Mark.
I wanted Mark more than I didn’t want his values.
We casually dated for 4 months. One day as we were taking a stroll he asked, “do you want to be my girlfriend?”.
“Yes”, I said.
We broke up 2 days later.
I couldn’t tell you why. It just felt wrong. In the 2 days that I was his girlfriend, I threw up, had nightmares, and felt extremely anxious. It also cannot be a coincidence that around the same time, I was reading the famous book, The Body Keeps Score.
My body was keeping score, and I was forced to pay attention.
I couldn’t ignore my misgivings. It’s nice to fall in love with someone. The falling in love part is easy. The staying in love part is very difficult.
The ebb and flow of that love as it morphs into different stages is what relationships are made of. Any teenager can fall in love, but it takes an adult to navigate through it. I loved Mark, but I couldn’t come to terms with what he wanted.
I realized that it is scarily possible that the person you fall in love with may not be the person who is best for you. Mark was easy to love but he wasn’t the best for me.
And my body made sure I knew that.
