Journal #4
I Think I’ve Reached the Sequel
I never expected it to be like this.
If there were to be an end, that is.
An end to the depressing thoughts, the low self-worth, the burnout.
Yet here we are.
I knew the transition to a better state of mind would be gradual, but I still expected some sort of memorable event to mark the end of the darkness.
Not to assume this is the end, of course — it’s happened before where I’ll be feeling great, and then there’s a low.
There’s also plenty of anxiety left behind, but I’m used to it by now. I’m not completely sure who I’d be without it, anyway.
There will still be episodes, and there will definitely be an abundance of days where I feel unaccomplished and fatigued.
But something’s different now.
I have ideas of what brought on the change, and it was probably due to a combination of all of them:
Closure in personal relationships, increased physical activity, and fulfillment in things I’ve always wanted to do but just hadn’t yet.
There was never any reason for not doing them. It just seemed like something a different, more refined Julianna would do.
At the time, I hadn’t fully comprehended that I would need to make that transition myself. Not until I tried doing things differently.
Much like in the movie “What About Bob?” I began the process with baby steps. Which, for me, were quite… unique.
I started by eating more apples. Not for a diet or anything, just because I like apples, and there was nothing stopping me from getting more in the first place other than habit.
Habit that I wasn’t even aware of!
This soon rubbed off on the arrangement of blankets on my bed when I sleep. I couldn’t tell you why, but they always had to be in a specific placement in order for my mind to be at rest.
I simply changed to a different comforter; one that is much older and softer, but not as heavy. It’s helped me remember the progress I’ve made, but at this point, I’m just ready for my old comforter to be done with the washing process.
— and it isn’t taking long because that’s what comforters do (although that could be part of it), this is just because I keep forgetting about it.
I’m still forgetting a lot of things, actually. Some things never change, and for me, that applies to my constant state of scatterbrained-ness. Hell, I completely forgot Medium existed until the other day!
That’s another habit I need to build up, but it’s also a story for another day.
I then began implementing more physical activity into my schedule, and I must say, I’m having fun with it! I’m already seeing an increase in muscle and endurance.
The mental benefits are astonishing, too. We really need to start focusing more on those aspects of exercise, rather than weight loss.
And now I find myself… here.
I can now work ahead on assignments. I have confidence in myself (to a certain degree). The depressing thoughts are mostly gone, although some remain, and a few have been replaced with hope, which feels all the more precarious.
I’ve often thought about everyone’s lives as stories, which isn’t too far off. We add to those stories simply by living, and that’s pretty cool if you ask me.
Going off of that, I always figured a section of my story would end when I feel better. And not a high/low feel better.
I’m talking a persistent yet rational feeling of “not bad”.
That feeling has been prevalent for a few weeks now, and I’m beginning to realize that I don’t feel too different at first glance.
Because I still feel like me
but more like myself than before, which is weird.
Without the side-to-side comparison of before and after, it seems like almost nothing is different.
Like nothing has changed.
And it’s true that I still have quite a ways to go, progress-wise.
But I’ve been expecting some sort of event to mark this transition as if to have a “grande finale” of sorts, but there’s been nothing.
There could be something coming, but for the most part, I think the moment’s passed.
My remaining question, although partially answered (as you’ll see below), leaves me in a state of uncertainty.
Where do we go from here?
(“we” being me, of course. Sometimes I refer to myself as multiple people when I think or journal. Still trying to figure that one out, but I think it could be in part to the constant dialogue in my head between me and my brain.)
This is in no way the end of the big story. If anything, this could make it longer and more interesting.
But in these past years, I’ve been looking forward to when I will have moved on from those dark feelings, and now I’m not sure what I want or what I should work towards.
Well, I suppose we can scratch that last part — with the more climate change research I do for school, the more terrified yet motivated I become. More on that soon.
But if we continue thinking in story section terms, this will mean we have come to an end. I am now living the beginning of the sequel following a quiet ending.
I’m sure this is the part I’ll start to accomplish more. Go out of my comfort zone and expand it in the process.
I’m a bit nervous but mostly excited.
I’m not worried about making backward progress — there will be days with bad thoughts, but it won’t be as bad.
I guess I’m just startled by how ready I feel to add those side plots to my life. I’ve never really felt that before.
My confidence has grown because I’m making plans. Not the kind of plans one makes to out with friends, but the kind where I’m setting myself up to at least try what I want to do.
I made a Twitch channel. That was something I’ve been wanting to do for a really long time now, and it’s finally a reality. I’m not expecting it to go anywhere. I just like knowing it’s there for me as a hobby.
I’ve been researching and writing a paper about climate change (high school level, but still), and I feel prepared knowing that my understanding of our situation had expanded.
I’ve been writing more, and my hope is that this will rub off on my Medium consistency. What with the talent and community, I always have a good time here.
I have a lot left to learn, and that’s the problem with my question.
I used to know what I was working towards. Now I need to work towards the unknown, which weirdly feels a lot more comfortable than I had expected.
But we still have quite a ways to go.
Regardless of the unresolved question, I find myself looking forward to this sequel.
Because this is my post-revival arc, and goddammit, I will be the one to compose it!
