I’m Late For a Catastrophe…
Notes from the Wrong End of Life
Ah, life isn’t so much handing me lemons as cascading them onto me from all directions. And we all know what that means — time to reach for that bottle of cheap gin.
I failed to get some work I laboured long and hard after despite countless gruelling hours of preparation. But hey — it could be worse! Sure, the sense of crushing disappointment after endless sacrifices feels like a soul-destroying setback I’ll never recover from…but at least a swarm of carnivorous locusts didn’t descend onto my home and strip it bare like pitiless, hopping wraiths from some savannah-based hellscape.
And so, with my dreams in tatters and the echoes of maniacal laughter at my failure reverberating eternally in the void, I’m granted the gift of perspective! I suddenly see that while devastating rejections can torment you until the end of days as you desperately try and fail to numb the pain, greater oblivions yet await! So much for perspective, that’s what I say. But failure has its upside. What’s that I hear you cry. No. Oh well, it’s that things could always be worse, and in my experience they usually are.
In fact, as I skipped home ready to celebrate my fresh start by repetitively banging my head against newly constructed brick walls just to feel something, anything besides endless anguish! It worked remarkably well until the rats came gnawing out to gnaw at my blood-bedecked forehead. But hey, what doesn’t kill you gives you gallows humour and a renewed appreciation for how much worse life invariably gets! What a relief!
And yes, I did contract a nasty case of COVID. Yet losing my sense of taste for weeks on end has advantages! I could now happily eat my way through the monstrous stockpile of green and blue sandwiches and lip-puckeringly expired cottage cheese in my fridge. Who knew mould, runny curds, and rubbery whey could be so appetising?
I must say, nearly losing a toe to frostbite after my heating exploded just in time for a freak storm wasn’t my finest hour. But sacrificing appendages to avoid freezing is a small price to pay for the exhilarating adrenaline rush that comes from surviving! Now I can smugly scoff at people whining about “cold toes” from the comfort of my blackened gangrenous nub.
And yes, it’s true — I did accidentally burn down half my house while trying to flame-broil steaks indoors. But living perpetually surrounded by crumbling drywall and the lingering scent of char really keeps you grounded and grateful for each waking breath!
Sure, some might focus on the hopeless depression which comes from a ceaseless parade of frustrating misfortunes. But I choose to Zen out on the thrilling uncertainty that comes from teetering perpetually on the edge of total ruination! My friends, I may not have much — well, anything — left in this world except a hideous rash of unknown origins. But at least I still have my unwavering sense of humour and deluded optimism to carry me through! And who needs functioning eardrums and feet when you have a song in your heart?
So, while life may be repeatedly punching me in the gonads lately, just remember — no matter how dismal things seem, they can always get worse! You see, you never know when even darker misfortunes lurk just around the corner ready to completely extinguish that flicker of hope in your heart once and for all! The universe’s creative capacity for cruelty truly knows no bounds.
But as long as you don’t end up buried in the eternal abyss of existential despair or the stomach of a circus bear, there’s a silver lining to be found. Now if you’ll excuse me, I suddenly feel rather short of breath and my limbs are going numb.
