Mormons are Dangerous

— Real Philadelphia

I live in a Philadelphia Rowhouse. I am hanging out at home one day, minding my own business. My door opens right onto the street. I hear Knock Knock on the door. I quickly open it.

Standing right in my face are two young buff guys dressed like Tarantino Hit Men. As I was about to draw my sword in defense, I saw little white name tags. It is Elders Keith and Kevin. I said, “Yo, guys. Where’s the other K?”

Elder Keith said, “We have come to share some scripture with you, Ma’am.” I said, “Sure. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” And the scripture throwdown was on. They quoted shit at me; I quoted shit at them; they quoted shit at me…and then, I had an Epiphany.

Elders Keith and Kevin started to look a little sweaty to me. I had a moment of intense self-consciousness. I was standing in my doorway in my pajamas, hair uncombed, no bra, and doobie in hand at 3:30 in the afternoon. What was going on for Elders Keith and Kevin was, “Oh boy. We have only been in Philly one week and met our first real drug addict.” I resent that. I am a writer. Context is everything.

I was so upset by the Mormon invasion that friends from St. Philomena’s decided I was in dire need of crisis counseling. We went to the Toilet Bar in Frankford. I got so drunk I was treading the fine line between ecstasy and puking. So one of the Ushers took me out into the alley and rolled me a doob. I avoided puking, mellow out, and now I will explain myself. Timothy is such a thoughtful young man.

It is not that I do not like Mormons. I understand the spiritual impulse. I have read The Varieties of Religious Experience. I hang out with Quakers, and they are peculiar. Queer even. Yes, that is a religious pun, and I committed it. I have even been known to drop acid and consult the Lawn Gnomes.

No. It is not that I don’t like Mormons. No. This is what bothers me. I am a mental health consumer, occasionally medicated for public safety. I am not given to conspiracy. I still think Mitt Romney, SuperMormon, is coming to get me. I know the Mittster is running for POTUS again in 2024. I just know it. No matter what Mitt sez.