My Year in a Cult
After college, I took a gap year. I wanted to make a difference in the world and feel like I was doing something important. I had also recently converted to Catholicism, and was looking for community in my new church.
So I decided to volunteer with an organization that sent young people across the country, putting on retreats and helping youth leaders make church “cool.” This company shall remain unnamed, but if you know me, you know who it is.
A few years after my gap year, my mom and I spent a weekend holed up in a condo, taking a break from life and watching cult documentaries (it’s not our weird, you know?). As we watched, I started noticing some strange similarities between the company I volunteered for and the cults in the documentaries. I turned to my mom and said, “Hey, do you think (Company) was a cult?”
This statement led to a long discussion, lots of thought, and one main question: what makes a cult? The company I was a part of was a one-year commitment, was run as a business, and didn’t send the volunteers out to murder celebrities or commit mass suicide like the most documented cults. So why do I feel this eerie similarity between me and the cult survivors being interviewed?
What Makes a Cult?
I’m no cult expert (despite the weekend of documentaries), but here are some of the main tenets of cults, as found through various online sources and actual cult experts. While every community labeled a “cult” is a little different, most dangerous sects have these four factors. This is also from my own perspective as a missionary and former employee, so keep in mind that I can’t speak for the company as it stands now.
All that being said, let’s dive in — what is a cult, and was I in one?
1. A charismatic, authoritative leader with no accountability
When we think of a cult, the first thing we usually think of is a cult leader. Charlie Manson, Shoko Asahara, Jim Jones, and the like. These are people (usually men) who convince people to follow them and then take advantage of their followers sexually, physically, and emotionally. It’s the lack of boundaries around their power that causes these cults to end so horrifically.
The company I worked for lacked this central figure. There was no one person who had all the power and used it like a maniac. Yes, the founder was the CEO, but he largely stayed in the background and the whole organization was run like an ordinary business.
However, where there wasn’t a person to worship and look up to, there was an idea. The idea of the mission, the company itself, was a little bit idolized amongst the missionaries. The staff members knew this but didn’t do a whole lot to stop it, and it did cause a lot of young people physical and mental harm from grueling hours, illness and injuries, and a staunch dedication to “the cause” (if we were sent home, it was shameful, even if it was because of a broken ankle).
So my experience didn’t have a leader who owned all the women and convinced us that he was God, but we did have an insane dedication to the company itself. It wasn’t exactly instilled by the company, but it was encouraged.
Cult leaders (or in this case, the company) often exploit the members, and we were definitely physically exploited all year. We had two-week schedules that divided all of our time, from as early as 6 AM to as late as 11 PM every day, with unscheduled obligations before and after that.
Teams were supposed to have one day (or retreat) off every two weeks, but that often didn’t happen. Long drives, team events, and back-to-back retreats cut into personal time, making it nearly impossible to contact home or get any real rest.
At the end of the year, we were encouraged to air our grievances about the experience, our teammates, and anything else that might have happened. On the surface, this might seem like a generous idea. However, it was all done privately, with each person talking to a staff member, asking for forgiveness, and then checking off.
Before this “forgiveness ceremony,” the speaker got up in front and said a few words. He discussed the difficulties of missionary life and how no one made it through without getting hurt. Then he said, “You have to remember that no single person hurt you. (Company) is a building. How can a building hurt you?” With those words, he effectively absolved himself and the company of all guilt.
No matter how we were hurt, abused, or exhausted by our long hours and impossible tasks, the lack of a “central cult leader” made it impossible to blame any one person for our pain. I’ve heard of a few former missionaries threatening legal action for volunteer abuse and I know of one reporter investigation. Otherwise, the company continues with few repercussions.
2. Indoctrination, brainwashing, and “extremist” beliefs
Brainwashing seems extreme, but in my experience, it doesn’t take a lot to think that the community you are in is right and everyone else is wrong. Many cults use extremist beliefs that are based on already existing religions (think the Branch Davidians in Waco, a sect of Seventh-Day Adventists), so adherents don’t realize they are slowly inching away from the tenets of their faith.
According to Holly Meyer of the Tennessean, cults don’t just jump from standard faith practices to extremist beliefs. Instead, they use indoctrination as a way to jumpstart the “getting to heaven” (or wherever) process.
In my case, this was a five-week intensive training for “the road.” We had to leave our phones behind, go to daily talks and worship sessions, and attend small groups. There was a “Holy Spirit Night,” in which all of our illnesses and worries would be healed (literally) and we were encouraged to speak in tongues, dance, and fall down in the Spirit.
There was some genuine faith and some genuine prayer there, I am sure. I don’t want to make light of that. But the emotional music, mind-numbing routine, and pressure to perform both prayer and praise smack strongly of manipulation. I, for one, felt uncomfortable. And not for the first time, I was told that it was my lack of faith that caused my illness to remain unhealed.
I don’t think that this company tried to push its volunteers away from the basic tenets of Catholicism. However, there was certainly a conservative and charismatic bent. If you weren’t into expressive praise and worship (or were into, say, feminism), you were softly but firmly encouraged to step out of your comfort zone and work to become more unified with your team and the mission.
For much of my year, I felt pretty isolated in my personal beliefs and confused about my conversion in general. I was a part of it, and I don’t know how much was “playing along” and how much was genuine (it’s hard to tell, looking back). I do know that when I pushed back, it fell largely on deaf ears.
3. Separation from the mainstream
Commonly, cults have an “us-versus-them” mentality. Members in a closed community shouldn’t go into the world, because they can’t risk mixing with the damned. However, many cults have an even more subtle way of differentiating between the good and the bad. The phrase “be in the world but not of the world” is commonly thrown around as a cult phrase.
I heard that specific phrasing all the time. We were supposed to leave training, go out into the world, and show “them” how different we were. Yes, our primary goal was to lead young people to the general religion (Catholicism), but the celebrations were even bigger when we got a kid to apply for the company and become a missionary themselves. It was like entering the next level of Catholicism.
Another way that cults take members away from the mainstream is to quite literally isolate them. Many family members become worried that their loved ones are in a dangerous cult when they don’t hear from them for months or they come home but are changed. With this organization, both of those things happened.
We were allowed 20 minutes of phone time a day in total, even when we were doing mission work. We were also not allowed on our phones after 11 PM. While this wasn’t closely monitored by the company, the peer pressure of “Did you see that this person posted after 11 pm on Instagram?” was enough to keep most of us off the phones.
Many missionaries came back from Christmas break (the two-week break we got for the year) saying that their parents said they were different. In fact, before we left for break, the leaders would say, “Your family members won’t understand what you’ve gone through here, so you have to be gracious.” What we saw as in-depth spiritual change, our parents and friends saw as strange and unlike the person who left six months ago.
All cults are different, which is why there are so many ways to define them. However, they mostly take a standard set of beliefs (Catholicism, for example), and set themselves apart from even that. This company didn’t do that explicitly but did emphasize how exceptional their missionaries were (“on fire for the Lord,” etc.).
In reality, we were just people looking for a gap year, a way to travel, some community, or a way to live out their faith. Some of the worst people I know were there, and had to be sent home due to some pretty serious violations (or stayed on their teams despite concerns from team members). These, of course, were hushed up and set aside. After all, we were supposed to be different, right?
4. Community and peer influence
If a cult is all of these things, why is it appealing? It’s because it offers two things: community and purpose. You are in the right, and you are with the people who are in the right. Everyone else is wrong, and depending on the cult, it’s your job to avoid them or bring them in.
Community is great, and for someone who just converted to a faith with very few friends, it can feel like a lifesaver. However, if that community is tainted by extremist beliefs, strong peer influences, or an isolationist atmosphere, it can seriously twist a person’s faith.
There was real love and real faith there. I am still close friends with several people I met that year (and we have done some serious debriefing about the complicated feelings we have about the company). I got to see the good aspects of a community and what it might look like, as well as how true Catholics live out their faith.
However, there were negative aspects as well. The kindness and community were outweighed by the judgment and peer pressure. Like many cults, this company relied on peer pressure almost as much (if not more) as rules. We were told to “call on” our “brothers and sisters,” essentially creating a self-judging group.
The thing is, it was mostly faked. We touted this “perfect community of brothers and sisters” to the people we ministered to, while hiding our infighting, annoyances, and even crushes on each other. As a team and as a company, we were presenting a false front, attempting to gain more members. That seems pretty cult-like to me.
The fake front during the year wasn’t all. The peer pressure went beyond our actions that year. We were expected to continue following the rules even after we were “alumni” (a status that came with no benefits except bragging rights). Those that strayed were judged and pitied by the leadership.
As a woman, there was a certain dress code to follow. At first, I was alright with this. It’s a company, after all, and we should respect company rules. Then the person giving the dress code said something along the lines of “some people choose to stop following dress code after they leave (Company). This makes us sad and it doesn’t honor God with their body.”
Setting aside the fact that there was very little dress code for men, this comment is exemplary of a cult mindset. Even after you’re done with your year of service, you should continue to follow the rules of an organization that you’re not part of anymore. If you don’t, you’re a bad alumni and a bad Christian.
So, Was I In A Cult?
Judging by the most common definitive factors of a cult, my experience was pretty cult-like. While I didn’t experience a single leader sleeping with everyone and convincing people to kill (pop culture’s defining factor), the leadership encouraged us to push ourselves hard and not pay attention to exhaustion, illness, or injuries.
We didn’t get time off more than once every two weeks (if we were lucky), and we were forced to evangelize to our host homes, the young people, and each other 24 hours a day. We had to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and even pray a certain way, with very little contact with family and no time for ourselves.
Once we were done with our year, the company dumped us. Unless we chose to do another year (which many missionaries applied to, eager to keep serving and stay valuable), we were congratulated for our hard work and sent home without any emotional support. Many alumni aren’t Catholic anymore, and I understand why.
The three months after my gap year was hard. It was like going through a breakup — I was promised this community and I worked so hard for it, but what did I get? Chronic fatigue, three friends, and a lot of heartache.
All the pretend love we had for each other faded when we were separated and I started to wear crop tops again. I don’t even know if I did any good, except for the few relationships I’ve kept up with since then. I do know that it has affected how I view my faith, how I view community, and how I view non-profit volunteer companies in general.
Five years later, I still don’t like hearing worship music, get annoyed when someone tells me that it’s their “cross to bear,” and am trying to separate the good and the bad from the year. When people ask about it, I just say that it was a year of volunteer work and leave it at that.
It does seem a bit dramatic to say I was in a cult, when there are such extreme examples of cultism available (and so many documentaries about them). But I do think that there is a certain danger in the less obvious cult, the cult that sits just outside the norm and advertises itself as an “adventure” or a “mission” or both.
A cult masquerading as volunteer work can leave people broken, lonely, and hurt. I do believe that this company could do better if the leaders were to take an honest look at themselves and how they treat their missionaries. I don’t see that happening, but I am acknowledging that it is a possibility.
As for me, I’ve realized it’s okay to cherish some memories while regretting the experience. Yes, I was in a cult. No, I don’t have to go on This American Life and talk about my experiences. No, it didn’t end tragically, but it still did affect me. Yes, I can live a whole, healthy, and happy life after my year of volunteer work in a cult.
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