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Thanks, Denise, He Said Sarcastically

I watched the solar eclipse hoping for the Rapture and all I got were two burned retinas and some kid named Nootbaar

Author, D. Denise Dianaty promised me a rapture, and I didn’t get it.

I’m livid.

Image by NASA

Especially after reading her Medium story promising I’d see one and driving for two hours to get my rapture fill in a small town in Georgia.

I suppose you want some background on Denise’s story. Well, I’m too incensed to give it. Read it yourself. Basically, it was a documentation of all the amazing things that wild-eyed Christian fundamentalists promised would happen during the Great Eclipse of 2024, also known as The Last Eclipse.

They assured us that the Rapture was coming, so I put on my underwear (nothing more because what’s the point if you’re about to be ruptured by the Rapture) and traveled to north Georgia (Marjorie Taylor Greene country).

I know, I know, the smart people among you will say, “No, dumb ass, Denise was making fun of these people. Have you gone wacko like every other old white guy in the country?”

Legit question. At first, I thought she was making fun of them, too, but I felt…