The Queen is Dead

Photo of sunglassed man covered in ashes
The Dude of Wales Abides As Long As There Are Rules. Like in Bowling…

The Queen is dead. I suspect all the, “Long live the Queen,” prayers have pretty much exhausted all the prayers and everyone can start praying for the new Queen, the former Prince Charles. Camilla will, as advertised, get to be his consort.

Since we are on track for a new regime, I would like to see a minor change to all royal titles, peerages, and stationery from this day forward. Instead of the “Duke” of Edinburg or the Duke of Sussex and what have you, I’d prefer to see, the “Dude” of Edinburg or the “Dude” of Sussex, because I think these titles more accurately reflect the times in which we live.

The whole Lebowski, “this aggression will not stand,” is certainly a more accurate foreign policy approach as far as England and their demonstrated support for Ukraine is concerned.

The, “Let those Slavic bastards fight our arch-enemies for us,” cries can be heard from Westminster to Number 10 and back while the rest of Europe has to scramble to find enough weaponry to supply the war effort of a country that has suffered enormous displacements of its citizens.

One family of which is being housed by my nephew in South Carolina — wifey here in the states and hubby still sweating his arse off dodging bullets wherever the hell Zelensky is choosing to deploy and redeploy his dwindling resources.

But back to the Dude of Wales who NTV News of Kenya referred to as the “Queen,” of England.

I just want to say that the Dude has lost a lot of hair and color over the years, which is a shame because that rug really tied the whole room together. And, of course, those ears just keep getting larger and larger, growing in size and volume until they finally, one would think, wake the Dude of Wales up to realize he is finally the King of England.

Manchester’s victories are now his. As are Leicester’s losses, the unfortunate helicopter crash of the club’s owner notwithstanding. He was from Thailand, by the way. England doesn’t seem to mind having foreign billionaire’s around the flat, it’s only when they start becoming part of the culture that the Royals seem to get, “twitchy,” and then accidents happen.

Let me just say that I, for one, am relieved that it is the Dude’s ears that keep growing and not his nose. Although Charles III has been known to be a bit “wooden” in his demeanor, so stay tuned, he’s just getting warmed up.

Good God this man is boring. I am pulling out all the stops here. But at least he’s housebroken.

Let me just offer, since I may, an olive branch to the new King of Queens, in the form of a suggestion. The memory of Diana continues to split the royal family and divide public perception of them needlessly. I would propose that rather than allowing this divide to continue, that El Duderino take it upon himself to quietly, calculated, and quite characteristically coldly, send an invitation to the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Muhammed bin Salman, to a royal BBQ in his honor.

In full regalia and in an homage to the cult film, “Eating Raoul,” I then propose that the Crown Prince be severed into six pieces and offered up as a royal meal that would be both kosher and halal, to the homeless of England. This I would do as an initial offering toward the healing of the al-Fayed Family who lost so much when their beloved son was taken from them for the crime of loving the Princess of Wales.

It was Dodi al-Fayed’s cousin, Jamal Kashoggi, whom the Saudi Crown Prince had murdered in cold blood. Such a festive occasion and offering would do well to begin the process of healing the al-Fayed Family and allowing into English culture and tradition an entrance based on both contrition, justice, and love.

And it would also rid the larger world of one of its worst sociopaths whilst also providing much-needed sustenance to the new King’s subjects. It would be, in the parlance of American culture, a “win-win.” The kingdom of Saudi Arabia is now and has always been, a stand-in, a prop, for the darker will of the State of Israel.

England is responsible for establishing the State of Israel since Balfour, and, in a post-911 world, its darker and more backward agent is no longer needed. The global appetite for justice for the people of Saudi Arabia and beyond should be fed on the entrails of all darkness until such time as the world is bathed in light, golf, and love for bowling.

At the very least, the kingdom of the House of Saud needs to understand, “Smokey, this is not Viet Nam, this is bowling. There are rules.”

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Richard Volaar

Richard Volaar

I've won a couple of minor awards, my second being a speech I wrote for the VFW about why I care about America. It won and I made 25 bucks. Now I'm in IT.