There Is No Manual for Grief: Healing Yourself and Finding Confidence
Fictitious yet Non-Fictious writing
I am not the reason for your predicament, it took me forever to acknowledge this -a child.
To those of you who don’t know, I am the daughter of Ruth Otunaya-Ehimen, the granddaughter of Nkechi Otunaya.
My grandmother was a single mother, a relentless woman who struggled to make sure she and her daughter were never lacking any of the fine things of life. She was an amazing cook, a hard worker and a stigma in society.
Rebecca never knew her father. As a matter of fact, she bears her mother's surname, a mother who never married. This was not a problem until she married my father.
Before we go further, I want you to know that I'm still angry, angry at the fact that I am always the scapegoat, angry that I am emotional about things but happy that I got to live.
My grandmother thought she had found a good man for her daughter. When she was sick, he would always linger around as a caring person. He was not violent, he was loving and caring. She convinced my mother to go out with him and thus began their relationship.
My mother, sweet girl, eventually lost her mother to the cold hands of death and some months later, she was with my father to get over her grief and you know what happens when men smell grief. It's like a poignant aroma that entices them to lay seed. Thus, I was conceived a few months to the wedding day.
The wedding photos still hang on the wall and both of their smiles are frozen in time but the smiles quickly turned into sorrow, oh, the anguish!
I heard it was beautiful in the beginning, it looked beautiful on paper too but as I would later find out, it was a sham. Even from the beginning, the signs were always there, it was a red sky but the common phrase is “I stayed because of you”. Well, four more pregnancies later and three siblings on my watch, we are still here. Still here watching the domestic abuse, the hate, the lovelessness, the criticism, the favoritism, and now, the every-man-to-himself phase.
This was not my fault but this has affected me more than the others. I have to double as a wife, friend, mother, sister, companion and a child everyday of my adult life. It started since I was young.
I am not writing this to get your sympathy neither am I telling the story in depth to get your affection. I am writing this so you can open your eyes to the kind of partner you choose. People know how to camouflage and show you what you want to see. This is why I love what Shawn's Bookstore is about.
You wouldn't know scum until push comes to shove.
Shawn is someone who has experienced her own life lessons, written books on it to help people like me who have encountered tough situations to help them heal their inner child, have a mindset shift and become better individuals.
Did you know that my low-self esteem has been in existence for a long time? I didn't even know I hated myself for most of my life. It even influenced my dating life and how I saw myself. I have even attempted suicide before because I thought I was the reason for my parents constant strife.
Now, let me just leave this here before I go, I wouldn't want to have a child in my current state so the cycle doesn't continue. Let it end with me, the guilt, the heartache, the shame, I should heal from it so my child is treated to good-loving and a safe environment to grow.
If you are going through something like this, please, reach out to people that can help and if you are scared that they'll judge you, read some thoughts here or get yourself a book with practical tips and guides to become your better version. You can also reach out to Shawn via email or pray to God and read the Bible to heal.
There be many sorrows in life, but if you don't heal, you will bleed on an unsuspecting person.
Randy Pulley Thief ChyAmakamike. Abigail Oloda Feranmi Okedere Aboladetimilehin
