Trump’s Top Ten Policy Positions

One man think tank

I will watch TV in my favorite hat on Day One. / Photo by History in HD on Unsplash

Say what you will about Donald Trump. He doesn’t gaslight, he doesn’t race bait, he doesn’t harbor grudges over perceived insults, and he never whips up his base with red meat. He is a man of principle, substance and, above all, policy. To quote the man himself:

“I’m like a really smart guy.”

And so far, Donald Trump has spent a lot of time on the campaign trail thoughtfully spelling out his policy. Here are the top ten policy positions he has so far revealed:

1. I’m better looking than Kamala Harris. Self-belief does wonders, doesn’t it? Like his hero Norman Vincent Peale used to drone on about: say something enough times and you will start to believe it!*
2. I’ll be a dictator on day one. You will never have to vote ever again! Think of all of the time saved from not having to wait in line to vote ever again!
3. Is she Indian or Black? Since Donald doesn’t do nuance and never in his life met a person of mixed ethnicity in these diverse United States, on day one of his presidency he will finally get to the bottom of this (racist?) mystery of Kamala Harris’s ethnicity once and for all. And while he’s at it, he will unearth Obama’s birth certificate from an Ancient Egyptian tomb.