Unnikkuttan, The Legend
Would you like him as your 5-year-old son?
Unnikkuttan is famous in Kerala, India, where I live. Here are a couple of his stories:
His father was working on the computer with his mother by his side. Unnikkuttan walks up to them and asks: Hey, how was I born?
“Sweetie, I’m busy with work, could you answer his question?”- His father told his mother. Smart, she told her smiling husband, before she turned to look at her innocent 5-year-old son. He’s not ready for sex education yet, she decided.
“So me and your father were at this beach, and even though we loved each other, something was missing. You. So we prayed to God, and there was this storm. In the wind, a casket came flying towards us and dropped right in front of us. We opened the casket and found you. You are God’s gift to us.”
Wow! How was my friend, Rakesh born?
The same way, his mother said. His parents were at the beach, and they prayed to God, and Rakesh was delivered to them in a casket.
What about Arsha?
Her parents were… Unnikkuttan’s father interrupted her and said: Son, everyone was born the same way, including me and your mother.
What the fuck (Unnikkuttan, with a confused look), does nobody fuck these days?
Unnikkuttan likes profanity and embarrasses his parents in public. So, when this old friend who just moved into the neighbourhood invited his father and family to a home party, his father said: Sure, thanks for the invitation, me and my wife will be there, but my son has got a lot of homework to do every day.
Come on, said his friend, how much did we study? And we ended up quite fine, didn’t we? I’d love to meet your son, I’m sure he’s sexier than you.
And Unnikkuttan finds himself at the party, and the host, she says: Hey there, lovely, what’s your name?
Unnikkuttan says “Unnikkuttan”. He speaks loudly, and everyone there has their attention on the conversation now.
I want to be friends, don’t you want to know my name?
No, says Unnikkuttan, but I have a puzzle for you.
Shoot, says the lady.
Okay, figure out what I’m talking about. It looks like a stick and has hair on one end. If you have it, you’d use it. If you don’t, you’d use your finger.
As the people around are deciding whether to giggle or frown, the lady says: I’m not sure what you’re talking about, young man.
You’re giving up?
Yeah, I don’t think I can figure that out.
Toothbrush, says Unnikkuttan.
That’s funny. She laughs along with the rest of the people listening.
A puzzled Unnikkuttan: Why is it funny? Were you thinking about an erect dick?
I’ll tell you more of his stories, but only if you pay for my drink.
