Body Parts and Dysmorphia
Vaginismus is a Real Thing
But I’m scared to ask my vagina
This is going to be heavy.
I blame purity culture. Because even if we weren’t supposed to be smashing and swapping body fluids, weren’t we supposed to be educated on ways to keep our canals open? The same canals good husbands would slide into after we’ve given away rights to our bodies? Or do they think what has been closed will suddenly open and be thoroughly lubricated, just because he wants to consummate the signing away of our bodies?
So, let me explain. The NHS UK describes vaginismus as the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. Several definitions from other medical websites fall pretty much within the same definition, all concluding with a standout proclamation: ’It’s not your fault’.
Purity culture is rampant in Nigeria, from the illustrious and inundating Abrahamic sects to the more exclusivist traditional practices steeped in staunch patriarchy. We are guided into shutting our vaginas down, only to reopen them for marriage. Yet we aren’t guided on how to open them. Yet many of us are constantly being forced open, dare I say raped, by these good husbands.
I don’t know the intricate details of how each of our vaginal walls narrowed, so I’ll share mine. I have seen the fearless amongst us speak out, and for that, I will add my voice. Perhaps I don’t qualify to be included, seeing that I haven’t been officially diagnosed. Also, a story of a doctor fingering one of us — a prominent writer at that — has strongly delayed my plans for a consultation. So why do I claim vaginismus?
Perhaps I need a reason to explain agonizing swab tests and a failed first attempt at sex. It must have been pre-sex jitters, you immediately dismissed, right? I did the same too.
My outlook has been mostly positive, but I do wonder if it would pose a problem in a future relationship (within the bounds of marriage, not because purity culture has me in a chokehold but because some men have expectations—I come with different instructions, please). Would he be patient enough to wait till I opened up again? Or would he join the common trope of rapists disguised as husbands?
At times, I remember the concerned face of the lab technician who had taken the swab samples, as she explained the norm as 'uncomfortable' not excruciatingly painful. Didn’t that fit the description of vaginismus? Do you not think it does? Only vaginismus could make an ordinary swab test feel like I’m being impaled by a searing hot rod, right?
It’s not a popular topic; despite the bulk of information and resources, low social media coverage confirms this. Do people not know about it? Are more of us not aware of it? Hours of foraging on Google and YouTube divulged pelvic floor exercises and vaginal dilators as part of physical remedies (not forceful penetration!)
But, I mean, do I have to keep doing hip exercises till my vagina knows it’s okay to let stuff in now? That reminds me, how could I forget my first attempt with a tampon? How could I have forgotten such a scarring experience? So now you know, even though I claim vaginismus, I’m just too scared to find out if I really do have it. To be honest, I’d have never known what it was if I hadn’t experienced vaginal shutdown.
So here’s the deepest part of it: I was sexually abused as a child by my cousin. I haven’t told my family yet, because it’s not something that would sit too well with them. Imagine how awkward it was when we had a family reunion and I came face-to-face with my abuser more than a decade later.
He had acted like he didn’t remember, or perhaps he had indeed forgotten, but he made my skin crawl regardless. I remember how my heart threatened to jump out of my chest when he said I was his 'baby’. Had that been a power play? Did he truly not remember? Perhaps it was all just a nightmarish dream I had woken up from but couldn’t forget.
I digress.
One of these days, when things are aligned, I’d go get thoroughly checked (at a reputable place, I know, I know). I’d finally get the answers I’d been too scared to hear. Maybe it’s something entirely different; it’s just that vaginismus seems to be the least weighty of all my suspicions.
Like many of us who have reclaimed our bodies, I build knowledge and awareness to be part of that growing number one day. It will be well. All will be well eventually.
