TW: Disorder | Introspection | Stoicism
When You Start Lacking An Opinion On Most Things
Just know there could be an underlying problem
I know this title caught your gaze. No no, don’t scroll through, stay with me for three minutes. This will make you find time to introspect about your life.
Lately, I’ve been spending time alone, as usual. This has forced me to introspect on my life as a whole. Whenever I think of something or want something and then get it, I’m like: then what?
That’s all it takes to take out the fun in things I enjoy. After that question, the automatic broodiness kicks in. It then gives me enough reasons for not feeling the same joy I once had in those activities.
There’s still some joy in me (I think). At least some video games know how to light up that joy. As always, when the “broody” version visits, everything starts to not matter. I no longer care who’s right or wrong about the feminist movement. I don’t care anymore about the revolutionary stuff, which I was into. So, I ignore it and focus on what I’m doing at the moment.
I become the yes man because of caring less about who is right or wrong. What I’m saying is everything now seems not to matter. I see myself becoming the nihilist I once hated.
Visiting old movies, a lot of villains now make sense. Good guys are not entirely good in everything anymore. It’s funny because I’ve always seen myself as those good guys. Now when I analyse them as a whole, I can tell that their deeds are not good all the time.
I thought I had depression but when I saw the symptoms, there wasn’t one I could see myself in. Even went too far to think I was in denial — no, introspection and family confirmed that. It feels like I’m living life with no emotions and only my mind. Things need to be analysed first before I accept them. If it doesn’t make sense, I brush them off.
I stumbled upon a random quote on social media: ‘Train your mind to be stronger than your emotions’. Then a thought followed: if I follow this advice, then I’ll lack basic emotional skills. Empathy, which is among them, is required for developing good interpersonal relationships.
For once in my life, this is something I cannot solve. Maybe going to a therapist will help me somehow. I thought of going to one. What stopped was the limitation of their perspective, which could be biased.
Even so, I still seek different perspectives from strangers. A made-up friend is always the one with this broody condition. Most of their responses are around depression and stoicism. Take it from me, I’ve never been a stoic, even if I didn’t know something like that existed. I’m still around people and I’ve always been around people.
I even tried searching online whether this could be a disorder. I read about stoicism, schizophrenia, different types of depression, and more — still I couldn’t see myself in them.
I can work, sleep, and eat normally. I even talk with friends and family as usual. This broody thing inspired me to write this article because now I see its pattern. For example, I’ll get excited about buying specific clothes I like, and when I get them, the broody thoughts visit me. The joy just disappears. Sometimes, the thoughts come as intuition.
If you were able to get here, then I’m assuming you might be trying to find a solution to this. Well, I’ve accepted it for what it is, no more analysing. That’s why when it comes, I accept it and sometimes make fun of it.
So, what do you think it is? Perhaps knowing your perspective might help me. I would be glad to know your thoughts. Whatever comes to your mind, please share your thoughts.
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Copyright © Mbhango Lefoka
