WHO REALLY ARE YOU?
The dangers of dual personalities
For a man who claimed to be called by God, my father sure knows how to serve two masters.
I just sat in the pew as he raised his holy hands, singing hymns and praising God while the church sang along with Him. He could have fooled me too, but I know him. In fact, we know ourselves.
“Yvonne, why are you sitting down instead of standing to worship?” Ms Irene, an usher, whispered to me.
I just looked at her and sighed. Seriously, I could have given her a dirty slap. Why is she butting into my business?
“Yvonne, you should stand up, don't disrespect God or your father. What will other people think?” Ms Irene asked as she tried to pull me up by my arm.
“It’s not your business, ma!” I said as I yanked my arm from her, trying my best to control the anger and disgust I was already feeling.
“Let somebody shout hallelujah!” my mother said as she climbed the pulpit, her floral purple gown setting her apart like royalty.
“Hallelujah!” the congregation thundered.
‘Stupid fools,’ I cursed under my breath.
“The Lord is good-” my mother called.
“All the time!” the congregation responded.
“My brothers and sisters…” my mother started and I started pressing my phone.
Let's be real, I know what everyone thinks of me in this church. I don't even know why I bother attending. I don't go to church when I'm in school; matter-of-fact, I prefer watching online services, especially Pastors or apostles I don't know. It's much better.
And here's why, my father is a hypo-crite! A wolf masquerading as a sheep. He is the devil.
Once when I was nine, I wandered into his office on Father's Day to surprise him with a handmade purse that I had sewn from his old trousers. I thought it was cute. Anyway, I dropped it on his table as well as a box of chocolates my mom bought for me a few days earlier. I loved my dad so much so I hid in a corner to surprise him when he entered the office.
A few minutes later, he walked in with a lady and locked the door behind him. The lady was angsty.
“What should I do, pastey?” she asked as she sunk into the brown leather chair.
“Get rid of it!”
“But, abortion is a sin-”
“You didn't know that when you were seducing me, bitch!”
I gasped but it was masked by her own. She had never realized he would call her that, just like I didn't.
“Terminate the pregnancy. I have three children already and my ministry is still growing.”
“What if something happens to me?”
“Nothing will happen. I pray for you that God will keep you and protect you always. Also, this thing we have is over. You hear me?”
The lady walked away and I never saw her again.
Ever since that incident I witnessed, I stopped seeing him as a servant of God. I didn't stop believing in God though, my mom loves him a lot and he keeps showing up for her. Lord knows I won't even marry a pastor. Thus began my rebellion. I pierced my ears and my nose at age sixteen, got a tattoo on my bum, evaded relationships because I like it casual, keeping late nights and dressing up how I please. I couldn't tell my mom what happened though, she's fragile as a glass.
“Yvonne, stand up for the holy communion,” Ms Yvonne pestered me again.
“In fact, fuck this!” I said loudly and pushed her. I knew she and my father were a thing. I have had enough of this hypocrisy.
I walked out of that congregation with the secrets that would break my mom. She was the one I pitied because my brothers have since left the fold.
Unresolved childhood wounds can profoundly impact our adult lives, influencing relationships, self-esteem, and overall emotional health.
Heal your inner child (thought link)
