Why does My Shadow Self keep following Me?
I’d like to think that I know the many facets of my shadow self
What I can’t reconcile is how to accept them and integrate them in a healthy manner in the course of a day.
My medications have definitely brought more peace to my life, but when I am under great duress, my shadow self comes out like Mohamed Ali in the boxing ring.
My inner demons pull me into verbal battles without my permission. My amygdala lights up like a Christmas tree. I am blinded by my anger and in that moment my thinking brain shuts down. I have no access to breathing instructions and other calming exercises.
I know it comes down to not being seen or heard as a child. The fear of abandonment rears it’s ugly head when people show up late or not at all. Like Alice and her tiny potion I drink metaphorically and see betrayal, lack of respect for my time, and other paranoid thoughts.
I am in the midst of moving a thousand miles from home. When I get these annoying last minute checklists the week before closing it sends me in a tailspin. My husband laughs it off and takes over. Days later I am still grappling with my anger and regret. Our real estate professional has learned to text my husband and not me. Thankfully, a text doesn’t reveal the full brunt of my anger.
This will be our last move. I am ready to put the beast that is my shadow self to bed permanently.
