You’re Too Focused on Yourself To Get What You Want From Life
Nature’s selflessness paradox for ethical wealth and happiness
I’ve been discussing a concept with my friend Stan recently — a cheat code, really — that has given me a leg-up in my career and life.
I’m desperate to share it because it’s so potent, and the world needs to hear it right now.
Most people struggle to make progress — but not due to lack of effort or passion.
It’s effort being spent in the wrong place.
I remember a time toward the end of Grade 12 when we were all stressed about what score we’d end up with heading into university.
When everyone was scrambling for answers, I distinctly remember two boys:
- One of the boys refused to collaborate with others because he wanted to boost his ranking.
- Another freely shared his thoughts and work.
Before we go on, I’d like you to think about these next few questions:
- Which of those boys do you respect more?
- Which of those boys would you be more likely to help?
- Which of those boys do you think walks around with a smile on his face?
- Which of those boys do you think will have a better life?
The Tale of the Wise River
A tale passed down from our ancestors...
In a distant land, there was a river that flowed through a lush valley. The river was known for its clear, nourishing waters that supported all forms of life in the valley. It provided water to the plants, trees, and animals, and its banks were always green and fertile.
One day, a traveller came to the river and asked, “Why do you give so much of yourself to others without expecting anything in return?”
The river smiled and replied, “I give because it is in my nature to flow and nourish. By quenching the thirst of others, I find my own fulfilment.”
As the traveller continued his journey, he noticed how the trees along the riverbanks shed their leaves, which fell into the river and enriched its waters with nutrients. He saw animals drinking from the river and then spreading seeds and plants along the valley, ensuring its growth and diversity.
The traveler realised that the river’s generosity was returned in countless ways. The plants and animals that relied on the river helped sustain its flow, and the entire valley flourished as a result.
Over time, the traveler shared the river’s wisdom with others. People began to understand that by helping others without expecting immediate rewards, they could create a cycle of abundance and support that benefited everyone.
The river continued to flow, its waters ever-clear and life-giving, a testament to the power of selfless giving and the natural reciprocity that arises from it.
To be rewarded like a King, be a Servant (4 reasons)
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” — Mohandas Gandhi
Most people don’t find passion (and subsequent success) because they’re too focused on helping themselves.
Passion and success are found in improving the lives of others.
Why does helping others help me?
Because of human nature’s paradox:
The more value you add to the lives of others, the more value you’ll add to your own.
Why? 4 reasons:
1. Helping yourself limits you to the happiness of one person — helping others allows you to experience the joy of many
In Huston Smith’s ‘The World Religions’ he analyses Hinduism’s view on the difference in satisfaction between (1) personal pleasure and (2) providing value to a community.
The Hindus believe that you can only feel so much when you help yourself. There is no meaning in this — there is only pleasure (which is necessary too).
But helping others is deeply programmed into us as social beings — helping others sets off that innate human gene we’ve developed over many years for the race to survive.
It’s the difference between winning a Gold medal and training 10 people who each win their own, or the difference between finding food for yourself versus feeding the whole village.
Helping the group is a larger contribution to the human race and will lead to more satisfaction.
2. Helping others will create a network of people who are loyal to you — the most powerful arsenal
“You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” — Zig Ziglar
When you help someone, they want to help you.
This isn’t manipulative — you are genuinely helping them and they will genuinely want to help you.
This is the principle of reciprocity.
It’s a good old-fashioned win-win situation.
Do good for others for the sake of it, and the principle of reciprocity will reward you in the long term.
The key is for it to be genuine.
3. You build a strong reputation
“We are what we repeatedly do.” — Aristotle
My friend Casey runs a transport engineering firm.
Over a coffee, he told me he no longer runs cold outreach because most of his clients are referrals.
This is the same reason Robert De Niro doesn’t have to audition for roles anymore. He’s begged to play the part because he has a proven reputation for all the value he has provided to people.
Providing quality and value to others will build a rock-solid reputation.
You’ll never have to ask for anything again.
They will be given to you based on the fact that you consistently provide value.
4. It gives you purpose — because purpose is providing value
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
The purpose of a shovel is to provide leverage for moving dirt — it makes moving dirt easier.
So stop searching externally for purpose.
Your purpose is simply to provide value for others from your unique angle.
- If you’re highly organised and schedule oriented — create a plan for your boss’ projects
- If you love business, and you have an innate skill to calm others — create a consulting service where you help business owners
- If you install doors for a living — provide the best damn door service anyone has ever gotten. Polish the doorknob!
6 actionable steps and attitudes to become a value-provider (in life and career)
- Start to be more consciously aware of how you’re best placed to help in every situation.
What are your strengths and how can you leverage them?
→ Find out what you’re gifted at.
→ Analyse how you can help.
→ Combine the two — this is your value angle, or your purpose.
Once you’re aware, be like a sniper ready for the moment — watching and waiting patiently for that moment to strike.
As soon as you spot a task you can take off of someone’s plate, pull the trigger.
Watch what your boss does in their day. How can you make their days easier?
Quick note: try not to ask them what you can do to help. This is only adding a task to them when your goal is to take tasks away. Think critically. - Do what you say you’ll do, and do it well.
Most importantly, once you’ve taken the task from someone, make sure you execute it to a high level and punctually.
The job isn’t done once the task is off their plate — it’s only just begun. Take it seriously, and provide real value to them.
Make their life easier.
The last thing you want is for the task to end up back with them — now they’re behind. - Give people things
I left a coffee pod for one of our clients at site the other day, I didn’t think much of it, it only cost me 30c.
But the look in her eyes said it all.
She literally kissed the coffee pod with joy!
Giving is a blessing. Give your time to people; give your effort.
Just focus on giving — simple. - When someone asks you for help — graciously accept
My favourite phrase, when I get asked to do something, is:
Anything for you.
And I don’t say so facetiously — I truly mean it.
Have the attitude of: I don’t care how bad the task is, I will go into the trenches with you if that’s what needs to be done!
If you want a more successful career and a happier, more fulfilled life, just focus on being of service to others and providing value to them — the rest will fall into place.
But beware of the following traps:
- Do not place your self-worth in the hands of others
Although we discussed providing value, this isn’t to say you should be a people-pleaser.
You aren’t doing the favours to receive a doggy treat in return. You’re doing it for spiritual reasons. - Do not help others to the point of hurting yourself.
There’s only so much you can give.
Don’t spread yourself so thin that there’s no substance to any of the help you provide.
Saying “no” is also an important part of providing value — because you are honest and allow the other party to seek for help elsewhere.
Final note
I’m no Christian — in fact, I try to abstain from taking part of any ideology or dogma — but I want to leave you with a short excerpt from the Bible that I feel packages this message up profoundly.
James and John — the Sons of Thunder — came to Jesus with a request as they prepared for death:
“When you sit on your glorious throne, we want to sit in places of honor next to you, one on your right and the other on your left”
(Mark 10:37, NLT).
They wanted to be known as the most honourable of the disciples.
Jesus realised in this moment that they’d missed the point of all of his teachings — a point He would establish through His suffering and death on the cross.
Jesus pauses and then delivers the following line:
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
(Mark 10:45; see also Matthew 20:28).
Sincerely,
eren
Thank you for reading.
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I hope you found this valuable and actionable — I’m trying to make these stories more practical so you can live a better life right away.
These articles are my value proposition to others — this is the angle I find purpose in. So please, if there is anything you feel can be done to add more value to your life — let me know.
And I want to know, what do you do to provide value to others? What are some examples you can tell of this concept in action?
