Congress Approves ICE and MIB Merger
Washington, D.C. — Today, an unanimous Congress approved the merger of popular government agency, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), with the less than cool Men in Black agency.
Named the easiest merger since big bread and butter, Congress agrees that consolidating these two historical agencies into one mega force will be a merger of efficiency, saving the American tax payer tens of dollars. “We’re hopeful that the pristine reputation of ICE will lend its credibility to the often maligned Men in Black,” says House Speaker Mike Johnson.
Who will pay for the merger? Aliens of course. When caught, aliens will be taken by their tri-pedal tails and shaken upside down. The U.S. government will then be entitled to possess all contents that fall out of aliens’ pockets, even if still attached to their personage, whether by tentacle or wallet chain. All intergalactic money will then be converted into pesos before refunding the American taxpayer. When asked about the exchange rate, an anonymous sunglassed agent stated, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
Bridgererer Scout, a recent Oral Roberts University graduate and ICE-MIB pledge is ecstatic about his future career prospects, “I grew up wanting to be Will Smith and now I’m Joe Arpaio. It’s a huge honor. I have both of their pictures in my karate locker at the YMCA.”
Notably, Austin was sporting limited edition 1997 Burger King MIB sunglasses for the interview. “I wear them everywhere I sense danger, which in this climate,” gesturing wildly at the sunny, bright-blue Oklahoma sky, “is everywhere!”
Burger King is expected to release limited edition Joe Arpaio sunglasses next month as a tie-in promotion between the ICE-MIB merger and Burger King’s federal bailout deal.
Agent X, a tightlipped, monosyllabic ICE-MIB senior communications strategist discussed the high-security need for the merger. “We need to get back to Old World traditions, where our Spice Girls can get off their tour bus in the middle of the forest and be safe from adoring fans and and grabby Venus-pinchers.”
Posh Spice, recently outed as the impoverished Victoria Beckham, is the celebrity face of the True Earthers, a group of activists against the United Nation’s Intergalactic Peace & Immigration Reform initiative. Speaking at a rally yesterday, Beckham yelled, “First — they think they’re good enough to see us in concert at Albert Hall, next they’ll want to be on our basketball teams. Before you know it, they’ll have taken all of our jobs and forced our cartoon rabbits to work at amusement parks on their home planets!”
The rally was cut short when producers turned off Posh’s mic before she could finish her statement; regardless, rich, millennial women everywhere shouted “Girl Power!” in unison across the world.
Many pro-ET earthlings have noted the hypocrisy of ICE-MIB trying to eradicate aliens with alien technology possessed by Earth’s various governments. When asked about alien contributions to Earth technologies and major defense systems, Agent X surmised, “Well you can’t bring a Redshirt to a Romulan invasion.”
Other celebrities have spoken out against Posh and her True Earthers’ movement. Erratic vegan and crop circle collector, Joaquin Phoenix, is in full support of the UN’s plans. “Imagine all of the starving people we can feed when we under pay aliens to harvest tomatoes with their minds!” Tom Cruise told Howard Stern last week how important alien contributions to the world economy will be. “Think about it!” He shouted, dancing on the table, “More limbs, more eyes, more telekenitics, washing dishes will never be easier. Oh, and the alien-written musicals for alien characters! Broadway will flourish. Hail, Xenu!”
Richard Branson will be launching a protest from his suborbital airplane, the White Knight, to bring attention to the hundreds of Baby Yodas being held captive in cages at the newly minted ICE-MIB International Space Station (ISS). Internally referred to as the ICE-ICE Baby, the ICE-MIB station provides Earth’s only legal avenue to entering the planet’s ozone layer. During these turbulent times, Posh and other True Earthers are calling for a wall to be built around the entire Earth to prevent illegal aliens entering through illegally dug holes in the ozone layer. All follow up questions ceased when this reporter had an asthma attack due to Posh touching up her iconic bob with one kilo of Aqua Net.
No contact has been established between this news outlet and any extra terrestrials held hostage for comment.
