FandomWire Exclusive: Emma Watson Doesn’t Have Balls
SAN FRANCISCO, CA: Rama — whose FandomWire job title is “Not Sigourney Weaver’s $717M doughnut wrench” — made the shocking announcement that actress Emma Watson does not have testicles.
Watson confirmed Rama’s report. “It’s true. Unlike Daniel [Radcliffe], I do not have male genitalia,” she confessed. “I could have been Harry Potter in the movies were it not for Daniel’s comically oversized gonads.”
The Harry Potter franchise spawned eight films, culminating with Harry Potter defeating Voldemort and Snape by crushing them with his gigantic balls.
[Editor Note: This article contains spoilers for the film, “Harry Potter and the Magician’s Man-Sack” (Rated PG). Readers who do not want to have the ending of the film revealed should refrain from reading the previous paragraph.]
“I can understand why they’d cast Daniel as Harry Potter instead of me,” Watson explained. “I have only 28 acting awards. Perhaps, one day, I’ll have enough accolades to compensate for my lack of a ballsack.”
Despite his inexperience, Radcliffe impressed J.K. Rowling with his audition, in which he performed a monologue from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Below is a transcription from said audition:
RADCLIFFE: To be or not to be… how the hell should I know? HEY, JOANNE! I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN AUDITION FOR THAT HAIRY PASTA MOVIE! WHAT’S WITH THIS ALGEBRA BULLSHIT?!?
ROWLING: …baaaaalls…
Rama reported, “Daniel Radcliffe’s balls — joined by their sidekick, Daniel Radcliffe — have captivated the audience with their over-the-top size since they manspread onto the movie business. However, they nearly turned down to play the titular protagonist in J.K. Rowling’s series of novels until some explained to them that ‘titular’ wasn’t a synonym for ‘tits.’ The rest, as they say on FandomWire, is Robin William’s $217M email to not Hugh Jackman about $127M not Nigerian Prince Anne Heche.”
Daniel Radcliffe could not be reached for comment. His enormous balls acted as a physical barrier between him and reporters.
