Daniel Rodgers: “Selena Gomez is So Pretty, I Forgot the Differences Between ‘The Boys’ and ‘The Lord of the Rings’”
NEW YORK, NY — Daniel Rodgers — senior random word generator at Vogue Magazine — was so enthralled by Selena Gomez’s appearance that he mistook the superhero deconstruction The Boys with J.R.R. Tolkien’s epic fantasy The Lord of the Rings.
In an article with the headline, “Selena Gomez Borrows from the Boys for an Alt Update on Lingerie Dressing” Rodgers wrote:
“Last month, Selena Gomez achieved peace. In a photo shared with novice supe PopBase, the musician looked as though she had reached the end of a long and arduous, Tolkeinian pilgrimage. Swathed in a homespun Starlight blanket, this is the expression of someone who has witnessed the horrors of Middle-Earth and found herself in the edenic Lothlórien. Best ‘The Boys’ episode ever. In your orcish face, Homelander!”
William J. “Billy the Butcher” Butcher — leader of The Boys — responded, “What the fuck is that nutter nattering about? Does he expect me to go prancing around the streets wearing a negligee and fuckin’ bunny slippers? Christ… they’ll let any twit post on the internet.”
Rodgers continued:
“That would also explain the look of triumph on Gomez’s face as she stepped out of a Parisian hotel on Sunday afternoon. The pale-blue boxers poking out of the waistband of her wide-legged shorts just like Translucent’s organs poked out of his body when he exploded evoked the uniforms traditionally associated with martial arts fighters like Ashley Barrett and her sidekick, Gandalf the Deep. I imagine she might have worn those while battling a cave-dwelling Timothée Chalamet for some kind of rune-etched ring that reads, ‘A-Train Has a Posse.’”
When reached for comment, Timothée Chalamet hissed, “NOOOOO! Curse that Selena Gomez! She stole our precious Stormfront stockings! MY PRECIOUS PANTALOONS!”
Conde Nast CEO Roger Lynch, pausing multiple times to sigh deeply, issued a public comment:
“[siiiiigh] …Dan’s at it again, isn’t he? After that incident where he got a good look at Salma Hayek and wrote an [air quotes] ‘article’ about how she looked like the Greek Goddess of Tamriel, slaying the Dread Dragon Doofenschmirtz while wearing a stylish pair of shorts that showed a glimpse of booty cheek, I had hoped that this was a one-off. [siiiiigh] But nope. While I was preparing this statement, he pitched an [air quotes] ‘article idea’ to me: ‘Margot Robbie is so pretty, Eric Cartman punches Shadowheart in the balls while Bob Belcher watches.’”
In response to recent criticism, Rodgers looked at a picture of Jennifer Aniston, his eyes growing cartoonishly large and his head briefly transforming into a steam whistle. He then shouted, “Look at the Smurfs on THAT Oompah-Loompah! I bet that makes Nartuo want to trade his mother for a handful of magic beans and ride Dr. Zoidberg into the Mushroom Kingdom!”
