And it’s over…
You felt it building up days before.
Knew it was coming again…
You don’t know if it will happen every fight. You hope not… knowing it probably will. You’ll start blaming others around you. Some part of you is trying to make the excuses.
While you prep your body, your mind is prepping it’s fallback.
She shouldn’t have been late… her being late made dinner late, made less sleep, made less recovery, made the next day of training harder.
He should have known… it’s his fault you’re here now, instead of there, working on this business stuff, instead of watching that boxing stuff.
Kaicho could have done more… he could have brought in more sparring partners in, could have been more creative in the drills, could have paid more attention…
It really doesn’t matter who it is. It could go anywhere. Once it starts there’s no end.
It’s in your head. It’s been bouncing off your skull during sparring, after sparring, every day and every night as you fight to sleep. The thoughts, the words, the complaints. You’ve almost said them… shouted them, after so many sessions. Something stopped you. Some constraint, whether it was you being self-conscious or your conscience.
Now you’re conscious.
Conscious of everybody looking, or not looking. It wasn’t your fault though. It was his.
That’s what you were really trying to say. All the things he was disappointed in after the spar weren’t you, they were him.
It’s ridiculous… having finally said it now you can see it… but it’s all too late.
Now you’re ducking. The mitts are flying over your head. These aren’t mits though. These are punches. These are bad intentions. He has his own thoughts… stress… anger.
He’s probably thinking about how you made him look, after he told the magazines, his friends, his peers, that you were his “Hope.”
Now is his chance to be free…
Everybody is looking now. They don’t have to be polite. This is a fight, barely hidden behind leather. This is the 90% that happens before the ring.
And it’s over… You’re back in front of the mirror shadow boxing with yourself, cooling down after another day.
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