It’s You…

boxing through moments IX

Some days you’ve just got to close your eyes.

You can’t see anyway.

All this time you’ve been trying to break through. Try to give the “110%,” but getting stuck in the ninety… Stuck in your head. You’re fighting it. You’re trying to let go. Trying to go beyond yourself.

You used to think it was a lie. Training being 90% of the fight. Your confidence was limitless. It had all been like a game. You’d been playing boxing.

You had nothing to lose.

You had no fear of a loss. It was an impossibility. What ever may have come you’d weather it, you’d always win. Your confidence was inflated and then deflated. All in a moment.

You’d fought him before though.

You’d fought him every day for months. Shadowed him. Bagged him. Anticipated his every move. He’d been all that you thought of. You’d built your confidence on that shadow.

This time you’re fighting yourself.

You’re a tougher opponent. You’re there every day. Not there in shadow, but in the flesh. You feel like a shadow of yourself though.

You can’t break free of your self.

The questions of what could happen. What his patterns might be. Will he have what it takes. Will you have what it takes. You wonder what may come, whether you can win.

The what ifs. What if you make the same mistakes. What if you come up short. What if this is the end… What if you can’t go further.

The fear.

No longer is it him. It’s you.

You’re the one in the ring. Now and then.

You’re not looking for him any more. You’ve found yourself, your opponent. You are the opponent… and you’re not even looking any more. Everything is black. You’re throwing at a target that’s not there. You’re throwing at yourself.

Finally you are there. Finally facing fears. It’s meaningless, but it feels good. Fighting it.

It’s not going anywhere. The fear of failing, publicly, no place to run or hide.

You’re done fighting it, struggling against it.

Now you’re ready for the next.

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