On Paper…

boxing through moments VII

As the round ends you see he’s back.

You thought he might not be. After he’d worked years for it. Walked through and been knocked back by countless punches for it. Been thought of as a “bitch”, while giving it his all.

He’s back from his test.

Not for the first time, but for the last. For him there was no way around 32… it’s too old. He could have taken it a 3 or 4 or 5 more times, as many as he liked, if not for being 32. For him his birthday was the end. It meant freedom from dreams. Not by his choice, but the rules.

Now he’s over before he even started.

He’ll be okay though, after all you’ve heard so many people say,

“I have no regrets…”

The same people that say as long as you try your hardest you won’t have to live with regrets. It sounds great. If only it were as great as it sounds. It’s not.

Maybe it is great for him.

After all, you wouldn’t want want to be that kid that ends a loss by saying,

“If I’d tried…”

You also think about the times you’ve sabotaged yourself, so when a loss comes you don’t have to face it fully. You give yourself a safety cop out so you won’t have to fully say you weren’t enough. You can’t count the times you’ve left yourself that safety. At least that way when you look in the mirror you know there could be more potential. It doesn’t sound so bad actually, knowing that there’s more.

You wouldn’t want to be damned… stopped… blocked from progression.

You’ve been damned before though. Looking in the mirror knowing it’s your limit. Knowing in your one time around, in this round, you’ll never be enough.

He’ll have to look in the mirror knowing his limit. He failed.

He’s damned…

His cells on the roll call sheet used to be filled every day. They showed him plotting his plans and working towards his dream. Now he’d been erased. The last month had ended and so had his name.

Only professionals have their slot printed for them. He can disappear at the end of any month now.

So he writes it in…

He’ll never be faced with giving up again. Some part of that is to be envied though isn’t it? He gave it his all, isn’t that all that’s needed? Some part of you hopes that him still showing up is enough to have said that he didn’t give up.

Hopefully he gets to live without regrets. Hopefully he’ll keep coming back. You don’t know if you could.

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