Alton Brown: T(hy)ime Lord??? (Part 2)
(This is part 2 in a series on Time Lords. Check out Brad’s part 1 here for some background)
Recently, dot dot dot co-founder Brad wrote this piece on Alton Brown’s apparent connection to Boston Celtics rookie Robert Williams, also known as the Timelord. Robert’s propensity to ascend beyond the bounds of time as we normal humans know it, combined with Alton’s tendency to bend time not only on his own TV show Good Eats, but also on shows that he hosts! He’s been playing it fast and loose, and with Brad’s recent discovery of his Twitter bio, we were finally able to draw the connection between the two Time Lords. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?
As Brad said, Robert Williams’ Boston Celtics career got off to a shaky start. For normal, everyday people, being late to a team flight or missing a team conference call are unacceptable for a rookie. A deeper look, however, reveals that Robert Williams does not exist in the same bounds of time as we know them. A simple look back in time makes everything a lot more clear.
Robert Franklin Williams, the civil rights leader, author, and former president of the Monroe, NC branch of the NAACP, died on October 15, 1996. On October 17, 1997, almost exactly 1 year later, Robert Williams, Boston Celtic was born. In the interim though? Robert Williams, artist, was still alive. The art that Williams made, specifically his apocalyptic, absurdist imagery, fits perfectly with both Robert Williams the player and Robert Williams the activist. “I am not a pacifist and I am sure I may safely say most of my people are not. Passive resistance is a powerful weapon in gaining concessions from oppressors, but I venture to say that if Mack Parker had had an automatic shotgun at his disposal, he could have served as a great deterrent against lynching,” wrote Williams in Liberation Magazine in 1959. Williams the player frequently tries to behead not only opposing players but his own teammates with passes that, if their velocity were to be measured, would probably be fast enough to travel to Moscow in an hour.
How does this tie into Alton Brown? What’s his role in all this? After all, this all started from a Twitter bio containing a pun about an aromatic herb. We’ve seen above that Robert Williams has existed throughout at least the 20th century (and possibly earlier) as multiple people performing different roles in society, but when looked at within their professions, the roles are the same. Could Alton Brown be yet another incarnation of the extra-dimensional being we know as Robert Williams?
Let’s use some FACTS and LOGIC to prove this.
In Alton’s show Good Eats (returning October 15 on the cooking channel!!!), he would frequently bring in seemingly anachronistic guests. To the untamed eye, these “guests” might just be written off as “interns in costumes” or “temps hired to play old-timey characters,” but a deeper look reveals the truth! In “The Muffin Man,” season 7, episode 6 of Good Eats, Alton introduces “the muffin man,” who, upon close examination, seems a little out of place in 2003 Georgia.
Dressed in 18th-century English garb, this “actor,” goes uncredited for the episode. As a reasonable person, I think the only explanation for this is Alton revealed to the world his powers as a Time Lord, bringing a real 18th century muffin man to the 21st century, all for his TV show. There is no other logical explanation.
Good Eats is not the only evidence of Alton’s time-bending powers. As host of Iron Chef America and Cutthroat Kitchen, Alton seemingly mocks us with his ability to bend time. Both shows have a run time of 1 hour (Earth time). In both shows, however, the allotted time for cooking is also 1 hour. Between introductions of contestants, time for sabotages, presentation and judgment of dishes, and commercials, how is it possible that that 1 hour of cooking time fits into the 1 hour time slot for the show? Simple explanation: Time Lord. How else, HOW ELSE I ask, does the show work? Why else would Food Network use Alton to host most of their regular programming? He’s the force that makes the entire operation run on ~time~.
Robert Williams, Robert Williams, Alton Brown, Robert Williams. Just four out of the unknown, potentially infinite identities held by the Time Lord we know as Robert Williams, the Celtics player. Brad noted, of course, that none of these people have ever been seen in public together. Following a comprehensive investigation conducted by the dot dot dot private invesigation firm, we have determined as well that none of the identities of Rob Williams have been together in private either. In fact, in a separate interview, having nothing to do with being a Time Lord, Robert Williams responded “yes.” Was this no in relation to the question being asked? Or was it a tacit admission of his status as a multiple-identitied Lord of Time, who exists on a separate dimensional plane?
Ascending beyond time as we know it, Robert has been using his powers for good for over a century and perhaps even longer. Giving us Good Eats, Iron Chef America, books on black liberation, lowbrow, absurdist art, and of course, attempted murder of summer league and preseason basketball players.
I hope this short look into the intricacies of time-bending powers was eye-opening. This is, after all, part 2 of a (hopefully) recurring series of Time Lord pieces that the dot dot dot crew will have for you over the course of this season.
Again, make sure you check out Brad’s part 1 piece and stick around, because we’re looking for funky joints all over this country, I’ll be seeing you next time, on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives!
