DUNKED: The NBA’s Answer to Chopped (Pt. 1)
The following is the transcript for an unaired episode of DUNKED, an NBA- themed spinoff of Chopped featuring NBA executives fixing the best dishes they can using only the ingredients at hand. Chaos erupted.
Ted Allen: Hello, and welcome to Dunked: The NBA’s Answer to Chopped. I’m your host, Ted Allen! Joining me today are five very different chefs with hopes of becoming champions. Using only what they find in their baskets, and what we have in the pantry, the executives will be expected to give our judges the best dish they can possibly make. Tonight, we’ve got a very special Pacific Division showdown pitting Kings against Warriors. Suns against Lakers. Clippers against — let’s meet our contestants.
Bob Myers: Hi, I’m Bob Myers, and I am cooking for the Warriors. You may remember as the 35 year old high school bully in every single 80’s movie. I’ve been an NBA executive for six years. My number one strength is taking whatever ingredients the Kings don’t pick and molding them into a perfect dish. Then, I add pieces that don’t even need to be there, but still taste delicious.
Magic Johnson: Hi, I’m Ervin Magic Johnson, and I am cooking for the Lakers. I’ve been an executive for just over a year now, but I’ve been in the league for almost 40 decades. When I’m not opening movie theaters or pretending to be a big part of the Dodgers, I like to get rid of my most promising ingredients with hopes that a better one will show up later, then, if they do, I like to surround that ingredients with the most baffling complementary flavors imaginable and hope for the best! I also hosted a late night talk show once.
Ryan McDonough: Hi, I’m Ryan McDonough, and who fucking cares.. I’ve been an executive for five years, and have no clue what I am still doing here. Please kill me.
Lawrence Frank: (Sitting on Doc Rivers lap like a puppet) Hi, I’m Doc Riv— Lawrence Frank, and Jason Kidd has gotten me fired twice!
Vlade Divac: Hi, I’m Vlade.
Ted Allen: Alright, contestants. Get to your stations. Just a reminder that we only play one round here on Dunked, and you are expected to make whatever it is you have in your basket into a championship meal. Other than that, there are no rules. May the best dish win! Chefs… to your stations. Your time starts now.
Bob Myers: For my dish, I was thinking of making a good curry, but I quickly realized that the Kings have all the Curry.
We see Vlade staring at his station aloofly.
Bob Myers: Hey, Vlade!
Vlade Divac: Hi, I’m Vlade!
Bob Myers: Are you going to need that Curry?
Vlade looks at his station and sees that his dish could definitely use some of that Curry’s fiery presence, but shakes his head anyway and grabs some Tyreke root.
Bob Myers: Thanks!
Vlade Divac: Hi, I’m Vlade!
Bob Myers: So now that I have the Curry, what I really think I need is some cooking Klay to really complement my Curry. So again, I ask Vlade.
Vlade is spinning a fidget spinner at his station and does not appear to be doing anything else.
Bob Myers: Hey, Vlade!
Vlade hands him the Klay before Bob Myers can ask.
Bob Myers: Uh, thanks?
Vlade Divac: Hi, I’m Vlade!
Vlade grabs some Jimmerneal and throws it in a blender with the Tyreke root.
Bob Myers: Then, I realized I needed some color in this dish. Preferably something chartreuse or lime-colored, so I —
Vlade interrupts him and hands him a bushel of Draymond Greens.
Vlade Divac: Hi, I’m Vlade!
Vlade grabs a handful of hudafuqcares and tosses it into the blender.
Bob Myers: Alright, I’ve got the base intact, and now I just need to find the right ingredients to go around it. I tried it out with the Jackson method, but quickly realized my mistake and tried something new, the Kerr method instead. It was delicious!
Cuts to Magic Johnson, who is throwing away his basket ingredients: a box of D’AngelO’s and a cup of Orange Julius Randle. Then, he waits.
-to be continued-
