Don’t be afraid to compliment someone

What I learned from my “compliment complex”

I turn the last page of an amazing book.

One of those enlightening books that could change someone’s life for real. Full of precious advices, inspirations and pearls of wisdom as needed. The last words of the last row of the last chapter have been a heavenly hell. I eventually feel fulfilled, but empty at the same time. If you’re a greedy reader like me you can understand what I mean.

I close the book, hold it in my hand, caress the cover like it was a living creature, and meditate for a while. Such a wonderful piece of art, there’s no other definition that could fit better.

I’m on the train, on my way home. I let my eyes wander across the carriage and glance at other passengers. I never do such a thing. I’m the kind of person who sits composedly and stare out of the window till the end of the travel. I usually feel like a weirdo if I focus my sight on another human being.

But today, emerging from this reading coma and taking a deep long breath, I must force myself to face the humanity. Because, well, it’s happening again: I’m loving and hating the author of this book at the same time.

Have you ever felt like you’ve just read The Book you always wanted to write so badly? Or seen the painting you wanted to paint, or listened to the song you wanted to write and play?

You aim to become a good artist, put your best foot forward and try so hard to create something that could really astonish people. Most of the time you feel confident about yourself (or else you wouldn’t be an artist), but then… then you find The Book.

“I could have had this idea. I could have written this book”

But you just didn’t. Somebody else had the idea before you and put it in practice. It’s often painful and discouraging to realize this.

That’s selfish, that’s just wrong, yet we can’t help but feel sorry for ourselves.

We all wish to be on the top of the podium, with the rest of the world on second place. It’s human nature.

I’m watching the woman sitting in front of me. She’s writing something on her organizer, and all of a sudden it comes to my mind: what if this person was the author of The Book? What would I do, how would I act?

I ponder for a second, then think spontaneously: “I would just compliment her.”

I have a strange block when it comes to compliment someone, which is strongly related to my inferiority complex. I can’t simply compliment a person, even when I think he/she has done a great job.

Envy? Not always. This happens with everybody, mostly people who don’t do what I do and aren’t even remotely my “competitors”. I always fear to sound too fake, or too forced, or too predictable. Or, perhaps, too enthusiast?

Whenever I have to write an e-mail that starts with a compliment, I stare at the monitor for an hour trying to find the proper words. Whenever my co-worker shows me something she has done I think “wow, such a great work!”, but only say “it’s nice, go on”. “Great work” sounds just… too much.

Today I must give up this behaviour. It doesn’t matter whether it’s due to envy or shyness, it must come to an end. I feel incredibly alive when someone compliments me, and I never ever thought “ugh, such inappropriate words for a compliment”… so, why am I feeling like this?

I go home, google the name of the author, find his Twitter and follow him. He follows me back a few days later, then I send him a simple, short message: “Yours is the book I’ve always wanted to write”.

In any other case, I would have used different words, something like “I totally loved your book, your writing style is one of a kind”. But not now. That’s not meant to sound polite, that’s meant to sound true. And in fact he replies after two minutes: “Thanks for your message. You made my day”.

I miss a breath. It is really this simple. It’s been this simple for all time.

That’s what I immediately realize after reading the message:

1. The Author is a human being just like me. He feels happy if a stranger appreciates his work.
2. Every artist’s greatest joy is a honest compliment.
3. When you’re trying to compliment someone, just think about the words that came in your mind when you felt the urge to compliment. These are exactly the right ones.
4. Feeling bad for someone else’s success is like blaming ourselves for not being good enough. We are in fact just self harming, making no improvements at all.

This reply gives me the courage to call myself into question, test my skills and put all my efforts into new challenges (like writing this article in english, which is not my mother tongue — nor I live/work in an english-speaking country). I’ve discovered the constructive power of a compliment.

You’ll never know whether the person who’s complimenting you is honest. But you bet your ass you feel incredibly motivated. And if you give an honest answer like The Author’s one, your interlocutor will feel better. Relaxed. Like, mission accomplished.

And guess what.

A friend of mine just complimented me for something I created about two years ago. Right. Now.

Just in case you weren’t fully convinced: karma works. A compliment costs you nothing and eventually comes back to you.

You must try. You’ll become a better person.