SURVIVAL OF THE TWEENIST
My Son Is Done Going to School and I Don’t Blame Him
What does this generation need to know?
My son isn’t a big fan of Middle School. I’m aware that sounds like the first sentence of a junior fiction novel — albeit from the perspective of a mother.
Who doesn’t want to read that book?
Knopf told me my book would sell ten million copies if I changed the narrator from a mom into a 14 year-old-boy. Or girl. Or dog. Or towel rack.
Reliable sources in the Shadow Tween Government (STG) have infiltrated our neighborhood to educate parents on the futility of middle school. Curious and sleuthy tweens learned the true purpose of middle school and they’re mad as hell and they don’t want to go there anymore.
At 3:15 pm every day, minutes after the school bells ring, the STG’s helicopter hovers over homes housing middle schoolers and drops thousands of fluttering pamphlets upon us.
🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁 🚁
“Middle School is a survival simulation,” it reads. “In order to create an environment where the ego is deviously tested, tweens are subjected to three years of disgusting doorless bathrooms; juvenile grafitti…
