In Age of Ultron, Thor finally finds somebody who can ‘Lift his Hammer’

Whether it’s Thor rebounding from the death of his True Love, Bruce Banner’s sexual identity crisis, or the question of whether Captain America suffered some super shrinkage from that super formula, Age of Ultron is undoubtedly Joss Whedon’s play at Romantic Comedy of the year.

Thor, do you have anything to add?

Those who have seen Whedon’s ‘Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog’ know what the hammer is.

That’s right.

Are you saying the Hammer is Thor’s Penis?

Yes. Yes I am. He IS an alien after all. Why would he have all the same parts in the same places? It may be just a metaphor, but perhaps not.

Please think about that during the inevitable rewatch, or even just this little bit here.

Aren’t Thor’s expressions excellent?

I don’t know about you, but for me that scene just got a heck of a lot better.

I refuse to answer that.

You would.

Before I was so rudely interrupted…

You do realize they know I’m not real, don’t you? I can’t actually interrupt you.

Shut up. I’m trying to explain things here!

Sounds to me more like you’re talking to yourself.

*sigh*

It’s a perfectly legitimate narrative device.

Anyway, back to Thor.

Thor hasn’t had the best of times with love, has he? Sure, he’s proud of his lovely Jane Foster, but we all know that’s a cover. We know who Thor was really pining for.

Sadly as far as Thor knows, Loki’s dead now. He’s on the rebound.

But The reality is that it wasn’t really Loki that Thor was crushing on. There was another player in the game the whole time that we didn’t notice. Thor knew Loki for ages…what suddenly changed to create that magical spark?

Loki being played by Tom Hiddleston?

Okay, also that. But else got added to the picture that was new?

Robert Downey Jr?

The Mind Gem! Inside the heart-touching people-controlling phallic symbol.

Wait, wasn’t Ultron in there or something?

He was. Ultron was evil Kirk to Vision’s good Kirk. Once Ultron was removed then Vision and Jarvis were able to merge and…

OH! Vision “Lifted Thor’s Hammer!”

I was getting to that but now you completely ruined my delivery, thanks.

It was the Mind Gem that fell for Thor all along, Loki was just taken along for the ride and now, it sure does look like Thor’s true love has found the perfect host, doesn’t it?

Okay then, what about Banner?

Ah yes, poor Banner. Talk about one heck of a sexual identity crisis, right?

What?

Well, there are two loves in Banner’s life right now.

One loves him for his intellect.

We all knew that wasn’t just a bromance.

Meanwhile, somebody else loved the monster in him as well

So what’s a Hulk to do?

Hulk Smash puny love triangle!

Err, yeah, in the end. Yes. In that he panicked and ran away.

Tony made it worse by not accepting the monster in him and trying to fight it instead…not that the Hulkbuster/MatryoStark wasn’t awesome…it just wasn’t a good moment to be pulling that out of the old sexual toolbox, y’know?

Do you really think Captain America has shrinkage?

Beats me, but he sure has been doing a pretty blatant job of avoiding any situation where somebody could see his nether regions, like dating, hasn’t he?

Wow. Yeah. That comes up a lot, doesn’t it?

Yup. I feel kind of bad for the guy.

But then again, we know that things aren’t going to work out well for anyone, wasn’t that made perfectly clear in the whole bath cave scene?

No, it most certainly was not clear.

Really? I thought it was obvious. Did you think you were just watching an action movie instead of a subtle treatise on the interplay of complex relationship dynamics in a modern culture?

Philistine.

Racist!

What? No! That’s not what it means. And that’s not a race anyway. It means… never mind.

Do you remember what Thor saw in the vision?

Well, he could “Lift his Hammer”

Who?

Err.. Paul Bettany?

No, Thor’s vision!

… I’m pretty sure that was Paul Bettany.

The vision he had in the cave!

Paul Bettany wasn’t in the… OH! That ‘Vision’!
Sorry. I keep blocking that scene out.

I can tell. Do you remember what happened?

No, I really don’t. It was very weird.

That’s okay. There was a bit about Thor becoming a destroyer of Asgard or somesuch, but more importantly there was a flash of the Infinity Stones, together.

And?

And the Mind Gem is one of them, and it’s currently embedded in Thor’s beau’s head at the moment, so you can see how this might be a long term issue for him.

Apparently Thor loses at love and goes a bit crazy, not an unusual subplot.

At that point it’s really more about Marvel’s incarnation of Love, Thanos.

WHAT?

The Infinity Stones themselves, they just want to find love. Thanos is trying to bring them together. They’re just not in the best of situations right now, take the Power Stone being in such a pent up sexual frenzy that it basically dry humps anything it touches to death.

That’s the purple one, right? From Guardians of the Galaxy?

Yup. That’s why they needed so many people at once to survive. It wasn’t able to focus on just one.

This is basically Peter Quill’s ‘O-face’.

Now you know.

Why was Ronan able to hold it then?

He did one better. Remember where he put it?

On his…oh.

Yes. There was a LOT going on in this scene.

Most of it very, very naughty.

Why else do you think he came all leathered up?