About Forgiveness
Welcome to the “Flush Day”
Sitting on the porch still in pajamas at five twenty in the morning of a thursday, for no apparent reason, I found myself pondering in the silence of the thoughts of someone who has just woken up, still slightly sleep-drunk.
There is a story I want to tell you.
One thing that, as private as it is, I would love sharing.
When I was kid, I invented a tradition for myself. Something that would become extremely important to me once I grew up, but back then I had no idea. It was just a way to deal with things that on that life phase had relevance in being resolved — but it became more efficient than I expected.
I invented a day for myself, an evening of the week that I’d go to my room and spend about two to three hours focusing on becoming someone better — or at least trying to.
I called that as “The Flush Day”. I’d take some time after my evening shower to sit down in my room and just cry and reflect about life. Things I’ve done, situations that did hurt me, and whatever I could do better.
I’d turn music on and think. Put all things where they should be inside me and cry out what was wrong because on my 11 years old I thought all bad feelings would just be washed away with my tears, and I’d finally be free from them.
But then after a couple days I’d always face another situation in which I’d have to take action and be better than the last time, and it obviously wasn’t as easy as I’d picture in my head.
It was healthy to me for years, so I kept that as a tradition as I was growing up. But now, the “Flush Day” is not just a day in the week in which I sit down to ponder stuff, it have become my daily silence moment with God.
The moment when I close my eyes at night, with everything resolved, no one around, and in the midst of the whirlwind of thoughts that form the vast universe that exists in me, I empty myself of the chaos generated both by the external influences of a normal life and the impulses generated by my own particular universe to put everything in order, and enjoy in those minutes of peace and self-understanding, what the Creator of the Stars, Sky, Sea, and every living being has to say to me in the silence of his embrace.
It doesn’t matter if it’s at six o’clock in an Sunday afternoon, eight in the evening or two in the morning. I’ll take a shower, grab my tea and come to the window where surrounded by the sounds of the city and lit only by the dim light of the lamp or simply the stars, I’ll think.
There are days that I sit down and all I can feel is my heart overflowing joy and gratitude by life and every breathing moment, but there are also the days in which all I can do is sit down and not focus on anything, just let the tears come out in the silence and empty my head as the cars go by in the street and the clouds move in the sky.
But on every single day, by the end of it, however wrapped in all the murky chaos that hangs over all the daily challenges, and even with the weight of decisions and responsibilities that we cannot postpone, I find myself smiling. And every time I catch myself smiling, even if between tears, I’m able to find the reason. The beauty hidden in the confused turbulence of our existence is bizarrely extraordinary.
“Every life is a pile of good and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” (Vincent and The Doctor, Doctor Who, 2010)
If you close your eyes now and picture every single person you admire in your life, I’m sure they all have screwed up at some point too.
I’m sure that each one of them has at least one story that still haunts them by the vague and sneaky feeling of regret for something they did or did not do. Because as incredible as a human being can be, it’s still a human being. And until a person becomes truly incredible, it must be polished. And what are our mistakes and glories if not a bunch of humans trying to be better people in different areas?
I catch myself thinking about the times I’ve done things with the best intentions, truly trying to do something good for me and for other people and just ended up screwing everything up. After a while like now, if I ponder about those situations, all solutions seem so obvious to me, but back then, when I was trapped in those situations I couldn’t think nor see things the way I see now.
And I’m probably only able to understand things the way I do now because they have all screwed up. And every single day I ponder how could I be better.
Almost 22 and still so hard to understand I can’t be perfect all the time. I confess is still hard for me to forgive myself for my past failures, but I’m getting there. Recently, on these pondering moments I felt I should take easy on me. It doesn’t mean having an excuse to fail, but understanding that at times when it was inevitable, when I really couldn’t see beyond the things I’ve done, at least it was part of my growth.
I don’t want you to think that your faults have made you miserable or less incredible than you truly are.
People change, mature, understand things, become better.
Not all people are like that, but many are.
It’s normal to look back sometimes and think “oh my God, I was so stupid… why did I do that?”, or “oh my God I should have done that and I didn’t… why?”
Because we grow. We change. We shape the way we see and perceive things. And sometimes we’re only able to do it once we break our face.
I want you to think about the things that haunt you, that plague you, and even that scare you, and remember that you are not weak because of that feeling.
All of this made you evolve and grow in the process. But you honestly don’t need to feel them anymore. You already learned so you can let them go.
You can forgive yourself, forgive the ones who did hurt you.
Some people don’t even know they’re hurting us until the moment they evolve enough to realize. Maybe you have been hurt by someone that deep down loved you, or just by someone who at a certain point wasn’t mature enough to deal with certain situation. Maybe you have been hurt because you’ve hurt that same person before and this is the way that person found of reaction to it, too. But it doesn’t make them evil, and it doesn’t make you any less important as a being.
And it doesn’t matter if you are the hurt one or the one who caused someone else’s pain, you can still forgive and be forgiven.
Life is complex, but we can make it simple.
You may have felt like trash but you can still be happy.
Let your fears go. Be kind to yourself and remember, you can always be better. Don’t be mean to yourself in the proccess. It’s all part of being alive.
I trust you can do it.
