Democracy Under Fire: Jersey City Is In Crisis After It Appointed Jamie Yan Ding As Its Emperor For Life, But Then He Got Stuck Inside A Pop-A-Shot Basketball Game At Dave And Buster’s

Voter fraud. Presidential overreach. American democracy is under threat in 2018, and nowhere is that more clear than in Jersey City, where Jamie Ding was recently appointed Emperor For Life but has been unable to perform his duties after getting stuck inside a Pop-A-Shot basketball game at Dave and Buster’s.

Frustrated with consistent years mismanagement, a mob of Jersey City residents overthrew their local government on November 13, 2018. Some wanted a communist collective, while others wanted an Athenian-style pure democracy. In the end, a compromise was struck in which resident Jamie Ding was chosen as Emperor For Life due to his qualifications of trivia excellence and having owned a cool hat before. Unfortunately, before Jamie could assume his seat of absolute power, disaster struck at his acclamation gathering at Dave and Buster’s. A jubilant throng of well-wishers hoisted Jamie into the air and placed him into the Pop-A-Shot game, intending for him to be able to use his proximity to the basket to break scoring records and win tickets for the glory of Jamie and Jersey City. Jamie scored 120 points in the first 38 seconds he was inside the Pop-A-Shot game, but slipped and fell, wedging his leg into a crevice in the wall. Now his leg is stuck, and Jersey City is descending into chaos. Mobs and dogs run loose in the streets, and entire city blocks haven’t been heard from in days; one person who escaped the area spoke in hushed tones of a warlord known only as “Hrold.”

Jersey City is in need of a strong hand now more than ever; let’s hope Jamie Ding gets his leg out of the Pop-A-Shot game soon!