How Many Of These Ways Have You Ruined Brandon Lowden’s Christmas?

Do you try your best every year to ruin Brandon’s holiday spirit? Take this quiz and find out just how inconvenient you’ve been to his Christmas plans!

[] I told him that every owl in the world would die a painful death unless he promised me that he wouldn’t bake any Christmas cookies with his mother.

[] I ordered him a subscription to Christmas Is The Only Bad Holiday magazine.

[] I photoshopped a picture of Brandon’s head on the Grinch’s body and mailed it to Taylor Swift.

[] I told Brandon’s father that Brandon hated all his bow ties so that Brandon’s father would be too furious to pick Brandon up at the airport.

[] I stole all of Brandon’s presents and replaced them with copies of The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien.

[] I waited for Brandon to go outside and build a snowman, and as soon as he was finished I shot its head off with a rocket launcher.

[] I convinced Ed Sheeran to tweet “If this tweet gets 10,000 retweets, I will sneak into Brandon’s refrigerator and sing ‘The Christmas Shoes’ at him while he’s eating breakfast every day of advent” and it got 70,000 retweets.

[] I enlisted Brandon in the Navy and made sure that he would be deployed to Kiribati on Christmas Eve.

[] I enlisted Brandon in the Navy but didn’t tell him so that when he went home for Christmas he was court-martialed for going AWOL.

[] I changed the title of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” to “God Rest All Gentlemen Except Brandon Lowden.”

[] I hired the Christmas Goon to extort Brandon out of all his present-buying money.

[] I bribed Brandon’s parish priest to read the entire book of Deuteronomy instead of a Christmas homily.

[] I brought Brandon back in time to watch the crucifixion of Christ and beat him with my shoe until he cheered for Pontius Pilate to release Barabbas like everyone else.

[] I covered all of Brandon’s Christmas ornaments in asbestos.

[] I underwent six months of extensive training in Krav Maga and bank fraud in order to become the Christmas Goon.

HOW DID YOU DO?

0–5: You’ve hardly lifted a finger to make Brandon’s Christmas celebration an unmitigated disaster! Start small with something like loudly sneezing every time he starts to sing “Good King Wenceslas,” and you’ll be working your way up to causing him true misery in no time!

6–10: You’ve done a decent job ruining Brandon’s Christmas! While you may not have petitioned the mayor of Pittsburgh to change the city’s name to Home-Of-The-Christmas-Goon, you’ve at least gotten Brandon pretty upset and riled up. Not bad!

11–15: The whole world is in awe at your fabulous commitment to making Brandon’s Christmas season a complete piece of shit! From breaking all his candy canes to winning five Tonys for the musical “Christmas Isn’t A Holiday Anymore, And It’s All Brandon’s Fault,” you go the extra mile to totally ruin Brandon’s Yuletide celebration! Great job!