How Well Do You Know The Lyrics To “We Three Kings?”

Gavin Byrnes
Dec 24, 2017 · 4 min read

1. “We Three Kings, __________.”

a. Of…oh shit, it’s Matt Damon! We’d better hide behind the couch!

b. Brian, Kentavious, and Shitty Brian

c. Who live under a bridge together in a non-sexual way

d. Would like to welcome you to Chuck E. Cheese

2. “Bearing gifts, we__________.”

a. Are ready to bribe Rob Manfred so that he will allow us to buy the Cleveland Indians and move them to Tel Aviv

b. Can’t wait to put the Christ child in a headlock

c. Live under a bridge together in a non-sexual way

d. Wish that we had put these on an American Express card instead of paying in Bitcoin

3. “Born a King__________/Gold I bring to__________.”

a. Under a bridge; pay for bridge repairs

b. But with weird claws that freak everyone out; make the shepherds stop staring at the claws for one freaking second

c. In a microwave; feed to a hardy salamander

d. And I’ll die on the can; distract from my inevitable death on the toilet

4. “Frankincense __________/Incense __________.”

a. — Honestly what the heck even is that?; is probably some kind of stupid horse

b. Smells fucking terrible; somehow smells even worse

c. Is the name of my one-hundred-year-old pet bird; is what I feed him when he won’t stop yelling about seeing Aerosmith at the Sydney Opera House

d. Is for little girls who plan to conquer Romania; distracts the Romanian army because it reminds them of their mothers

5. “Myrrh is mine__________/Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying/__________”

a. So you can’t fucking have any; is what you will be doing if you try to take any of my fucking myrrh

b. And that’s just fine; [nothing; the singer drops dead]

c. I’m going to P.F. Chang’s so that when the waiter smells my myrrh he will give me pot stickers for 40% off; I only have seven dollars and pot stickers cost ten dollars so this myrrh strategy is my only way of eating pot stickers today

d. Even though it smells like donkey crap; I’m wearing so much eyeliner that George W. Bush accused me of being in blackface and now I’m being sued by the ACLU

6. “O Star of Wonder, __________.”

a. Where is my nice hat?

b. You’ve gotta be kidding me, the capital of Poland is Warsaw? And all this time I thought it was Gdansk.

c. Stevie Wonder isn’t blind because if he was blind he wouldn’t be able to see the piano, honestly this is just common sense

d. Would you like to come live under a bridge with us in a non-sexual way?

7. “Westward Leading, __________/Guide Us To Thy/__________.”

a. Even though we’d much rather be going east because Dunkin’ Donuts is that way; Starbucks or Pret a Manger or wherever you want to go for coffee I guess, cause apparently Dunkin’ Donuts isn’t good enough for you

b. We’re sick of living under a bridge; two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side

c. Hey look, a tomato!; — actually don’t bother, we’re good here now that we’ve found a tomato

d. We used to be four kings before you kidnapped one of us; dank lair where you are hiding the other king from us

Answers:

b. Brian, Kentavious, and Shitty Brian

The Three Kings begin the song by introducing themselves as Brian, Kentavious, and Shitty Brian.

2. “Bearing gifts, we__________.”

a. Are ready to bribe Rob Manfred so that he will allow us to buy the Cleveland Indians and move them to Tel Aviv

Yes! The Three Kings are on a mission to bribe the commissioner of Major League Baseball so that they can achieve their lifelong dream of moving the Cleveland Indians to Israel.

3. “Born a King__________/Gold I bring to__________.”

d. And I’ll die on the can; distract from my inevitable death on the toilet

King Brian has brought gold to the Christ child because he’s trying to take his mind off the fact that he will definitely die on the toilet.

4. “Frankincense __________/Incense __________.”

a. — Honestly what the heck even is that?; is probably some kind of stupid horse

Correct! In this part of the song, the Kings reveal that they don’t actually know what frankincense is, but that their best guess is that it is a stupid horse.

5. “Myrrh is mine__________/Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying/__________”

c. I’m going to P.F. Chang’s so that when the waiter smells my myrrh he will give me pot stickers for 40% off; I only have seven dollars and pot stickers cost ten dollars so this myrrh strategy is my only way of eating pot stickers today

In this section of the song, Kentavious tells the listener that he only brought myrrh in the first place because he doesn’t have enough money for pot stickers at P.F. Chang’s and is hoping that smelling the myrrh will induce the waiter to give him a discount.

6. “O Star of Wonder, __________.”

d. Would you like to come live under a bridge with us in a non-sexual way?

The Three Kings have some extra space under the bridge that they live under in a non-sexual way, so they invite the star to come live with them.

7. “Westward Leading, __________/Guide Us To Thy/__________.”

c. Hey look, a tomato!; — actually don’t bother, we’re good here now that we’ve found a tomato

The song ends abruptly as the Three Kings find a tomato and decide that they are no longer interested in following the star to the Christ child.

How well did you know the lyrics to We Three Kings? If you messed up, listen to some more Christmas tunes and try again!

BrandHole The Website For Brandon

Brandon Michael Lowden’s 29th (and also 30th and also 31st) Birthday Present From Me, Gavin (and also Eric)

Gavin Byrnes

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My financial plan is an outrageous demand, and it's too many damn pages for any man to understand

BrandHole The Website For Brandon

Brandon Michael Lowden’s 29th (and also 30th and also 31st) Birthday Present From Me, Gavin (and also Eric)