How Well Do You Know The Lyrics To “With Arms Wide Open”?
1. “Well I just heard __________.”
a. Steve Buscemi farting in the living room
b. About the bird
c. From my niece Peola, who is away at ice-skating camp
d. A warthog rustling in the underbrush
2. “It seems my life __________.”
a. Needs a woman like a porcupine needs a different, female porcupine
b. Has ended due to my inability to digest large quantities of liquid cobalt
c. Is about to be devoted to Velcro-ing peacocks to each other
d. Goes on — brah!
3. “With arms wide open,__________/Welcome to this place, __________.”
a. I give freakishly strong bear hugs; I built it myself out of cedar trees and old gum
b. And laden down with products from a 50% off sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond; I’m starting a new store of my own called Bed, Bath, Bagel Bites, and Beyond
c. My sister attempts to qualify for the 2022 Olympics in ski jumping; This is the tent on the mountainside where I am forced to hide because her archrival framed me for arson
d. I gesticulate to everyone about the large fish I caught; I don’t know where we are but they have Bloody Marys for $6 on Saturdays
4. “I’ll take a breath,__________/We stand in awe,__________.”
a. And then I’ll take another breath; Of my functioning lungs
b. It tastes like sulfur and rotting deer meat; Of Charles Barkley’s horrific venison farts
c. With my nose glued to a Soviet-era tank; While Ian McKellen regales us with card tricks
d. You probably should too; As roses sprout in bloom, five new ones every ten seconds until the ground is choked with roses
5. “If I had just one wish,__________/I hope he’s not like me,__________”
a. I’d wish for more wishes; A pedantic idiot who is about to get absolutely wrecked by a genie
b. I’d ask for the Cleveland Indians to win the World Series in 2018; Because I’m allergic to corn and it’s a major hassle and I really don’t want anybody else to have to deal with it
c. I would want to be able to bake potatoes better than LeBron James can; And he’s not like me, because I am much better at basketball
d. *Indistinct mumbling*; Because then he won’t remember not to say his wish out loud cause if you say wishes out loud they won’t come true and that’s why I whispered mine
6. “That he can take this life, __________.”
a. As I’m really angling for a kind of Freaky Friday situation with Newt Gingrich
b. And stick it where the sun only shines occasionally, like some kind of Finland in the winter situation? I don’t totally know how that works?
c. And trade it in for Settlers of Catan
d. Because I promised my dentist I’d only live to be 68
7. “With arms wide open, __________/I’ll show you love,__________.”
a. But legs tightly closed; It’s how I feel about this iguana I found in a dumpster
b. Covered in tattoos of Piglet; By punting all of your rude ex-bosses into a river
c. Leaving my heart open to be stabbed by a scimitar-wielding Yo-Yo Ma; I’ll show you that each of us is a brain…and an athlete…a basket case…a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
d. And scissorhands like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands; even though I’m probably gonna end up stabbing you, seriously the hell was going on in that movie?
Answers:
1. “Well I just heard __________.”
c. From my niece Peola, who is away at ice-skating camp
Scott Stapp begins the song by telling the listener that he’s gotten a letter from his young niece Peola, from whom he hasn’t heard in a few weeks because she’s busy at ice-skating camp.
2. “It seems my life __________.”
c. Is about to be devoted to Velcro-ing peacocks to each other
Stapp has recently been conscripted into a branch of the U.S. army devoted to adhering peacocks to one another using Velcro. He’s not exactly happy about it, but there’s nothing that can be done.
3. “With arms wide open,__________/Welcome to this place, __________.”
b. And laden down with products from a 50% off sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond; I’m starting a new store of my own called Bed, Bath, Bagel Bites, and Beyond
Attempting to make the best of his peacock-Velcroing situation, Stapp seeks to supplement his income by starting a store that will cater to the audience of people who wish Bed, Bath and Beyond also sold bagel bites.
4. “I’ll take a breath,__________/We stand in awe,__________.”
b. It tastes like sulfur and rotting deer meat; Of Charles Barkley’s horrific venison farts
Stapp’s body works store gets off to a rough start, as it is quickly engulfed by the stench of Charles Barkley’s deer-induced flatulence.
5. “If I had just one wish,__________/I hope he’s not like me,__________”
d. *Indistinct mumbling*; Because then he won’t remember not to say his wish out loud cause if you say wishes out loud they won’t come true and that’s why I whispered mine
Scott Stapp is very superstitious about wishes, not least because, as you can probably guess, he’s wishing for a way to get out of having to Velcro peacocks together for the army.
6. “That he can take this life, __________.”
a. As I’m really angling for a kind of Freaky Friday situation with Newt Gingrich
Getting desperate about his peacock-Velcroing future, Stapp wishes to bargain with the fates to at least be allowed to live the life of Newt Gingrich.
7. “With arms wide open, __________/I’ll show you love,__________.”
c. Leaving my heart open to be stabbed by a scimitar-wielding Yo-Yo Ma; I’ll show you that each of us is a brain…and an athlete…a basket case…a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Having failed to switch bodies with Newt Gingrich, Stapp resorts to enlisting Yo-Yo Ma to help him commit assisted suicide. With his dying thoughts, he recalls the ending of his favorite movie, The Breakfast Club.
How well did you know the lyrics to With Arms Wide Open? If you messed up, brush up on your Creed and try again!
