Should Have Read The Fine Print: Hana Slevin Just Accidentally Signed A Two-Year Contract To Act In A Play Called “The Amazing Herod Brazenly Murders Infants”

Well, this isn’t looking good. Hana Slevin didn’t look closely enough at the acting contract she just signed, and now she has to spend the next two years performing in a play called “The Amazing Herod Brazenly Murders Infants.”

After a complicated and far-flung series of shows, actress Hana Slevin was hoping for a simple, short run in New York City — ideally with a festive Christmas theme! One show in particular caught her eye; it claimed to be the most authentic recreation of the classic Christmas story in decades, and after killing the audition Hana was offered a salary that sounded great. The director assured her that the suspiciously thick contract was just a formality, and that the whole crew couldn’t wait to have her on board. Unfortunately, she trusted him, signed the contract, and now she’ll be traveling around Africa, Asia, and Oceania until 2020 playing “Wrong Melissa,” the hapless shepherdess who attempts and fails to thwart King Herod’s multiple commissions of child murder.

Hana discovered her predicament when she decided to take a closer look at the contract and script when she got home. The script, which had been only about 15 pages long when she auditioned, had been secretly augmented by the writer so that it is now over 400 pages long, most of which are taken up by long monologues from Herod about how sharp his knives need to be for killing children. Hana’s character, who Hana had been led to believe was the heroine of the story, tries and fails to prevent Herod from murdering a child no fewer than 34 times before tripping and falling down a storm drain in Nineveh, never to be seen again.

Not only is the show a four-hour epic about King Herod committing infanticide, but it will run an astonishing 785 performances over 2 years in 112 countries, none of which are in either North or South America. It’ll be 2020 before Hana can see her friends and family again, unless she can convince them to fly to Laos or Egypt or somewhere like that for a show. While this is certainly a crushing disappointment, hopefully in the future she’ll take care to find out what she’s getting into before signing on the dotted line!