‘Whenever I Feel My Faith Start To Waver, I Call Honus Wagner In Hell’: 5 Questions With Randy Lowden
There could be no Brandon Lowden without his father Randy, a man who possesses bottomless love for his wife and sons, an abiding faith in God, and a treasure trove of goofy wit. We sat down with Randy to ask him about his family, his life, and his hopes for his future and that of his sons.
- You’ve been married to your wife Jean for over 30 years. What’s the most important factor in the success of your relationship?
The day I met Jean, she told me she would love me forever as long as I never got a pet duck named Norman and fed him only beef jerky, and I told her I would love her forever as long as she never recorded an album produced by Dr. Dre. In 1999, she released All Eyez On Jean on a secret underground label Dre had in Allentown; and around that time, I built a little nook in the garage for my new duck, Norman. By the time we discovered what had happened, she liked hand-feeding Norman beef jerky so much that she forgave me right away, and I realized that All Eyez On Jean had some of the best songs I’d ever heard. Nothing’s ever going to tear us apart.
2. What’s the best piece of advice you want to pass on to your sons?
I actually have different advice for all four of my sons. For Brandon, every time you have trouble deciding what to do, follow these steps: think about what George Costanza would do, then think about what Dwight Eisenhower would do, then drink a can of V8, then tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, then autograph a football and mail it to Jimmy Fallon, then do what Ernest Hemingway wouldn’t do. For Gregory, never trust a woman who doesn’t eat ice cream sandwiches. For Jeffrey, vote Democrat if either candidate’s name begins with a consonant but vote Republican if you’ve ever seen either candidate sing “Blinded By The Light” at karaoke. For Eric, I want to tell him to look before he leaps. Because he’s always leaping everywhere, and it’s getting on my freakin’ nerves.
3. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you pick?
That’s a tough call. On the one hand, I’ve always wondered what’s inside a piñata, so that points toward Mexico. But on the other hand, two weeks ago I met a three-hundred-year-old wizard who told me that he had bought a 1957 Ford Thunderbird, registered it in my name, and buried it under the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. That’s gonna be a bitch to dig up, but I really want that car so I guess I’ll say there.
4. You’ve been with Vanadium Enterprises for a while now. Do you have any plans to change careers in the future?
When I was a little boy, I wanted to work for a company named after every element in the periodic table in order. Working at Vanadium has been the best experience out of those except for the three years I spent as Director of Programming at the Oxygen Network in the early 2000s. To be honest I’m a little nervous about leaving now; not only do I have to go to Chromium next, and I’ve never designed web browsers before, but eventually I’ll be making Kryptonite, and I just don’t think I’d feel comfortable being part of anything that could cause harm to Superman.
5. The Catholic Church has been a big part of your life. How does your faith keep you grounded when times get tough?
Whenever I feel my faith start to waver, I call Honus Wagner in Hell. Honus Wagner was the greatest shortstop in baseball history, and an exemplary Pittsburgh Pirate, and my great-grandfather’s best friend. Unfortunately, he also teamed up with Satan and F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1923 to try to overthrow God, so now he is in Hell. Whenever I call him, he has terrible cell service and his voice sounds weirdly sticky like he’s been putting way too much maple syrup on his pancakes. He doesn’t even like maple syrup, which makes me think it’s a Hell type deal where he doesn’t really get to choose what he eats for breakfast. Starting my day off with a tasty but healthy meal is very important to me, so I always make sure not to try to overthrow God.
