Nice Flippin’ Logo, Part 2
Two writers with no design skills finish the fight over NFL logos
Luke and Jason are copywriters at Simple Truth. Like most writers, they have no design skills. Despite this indisputable fact, they have many design opinions. So we let them review all 32 NFL team logos.
Disclaimer: Their opinions, which quickly digress into tangents about fence painting, ACT scores and Finding Nemo, do not reflect the standards of the Simple Truth design team.
As was the case with part 1, the six logo categories are animals, letters, symbols, birds, humans and Browns. Let’s start the second half.
Miami Dolphins
Jason: Miami Dolphins.
Luke: Are we starting?
Jason: No, I just wanted to say the name.
Luke: Oh. Okay cool.
Jason: YES WE’RE STARTING. Opening argument: I don’t understand why all these animals need a racing stripe. I have seen (the trailer for) Dolphin Tale and I don’t believe that partial porpoise had a stripe. The starburst sun isn’t helping matters, either. Fifth-best animal logo out of eight.
Luke: This is my favorite animal logo. My mind is telling me it could be better. But my heart is telling me to go with what I feel. And I feel four things. 1) I love when logos pull in elements of their cities. Miami is sunny. This logo has sun. I’m on board. 2) The old Dolphins logo looked as if it needed to wear its helmet everywhere it went. 3) LOOK AT HOW MUCH DOLPHINING THAT DOLPHIN IS DOING RIGHT NOW. 4) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is the single greatest piece of American cinema.
Jason: On the other hand, the logo reminds me of Snowflake from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. That little guy went through so much, I have to give the logo points to make up for it. Laces out, Dan.
Editor’s note: These two idiots referenced that movie at the exact same time.
Minnesota Vikings
Jason: I am so excited about this Vikings LOGO!!!
Luke: You can just say you want to go first. Also, why did you only capitalize the word LOGO?
Jason: My favorite human logo. There is so much to love about this one. The helmet, the braided hair, the mustache. All perfection. Plus there’s his chiseled good looks, which remind you that it’s been almost three days since you thought about Ryan Gosling and how wonderful he was in Crazy Stupid Love. He’s ridiculous in that movie. The son of a bitch makes nose stealing a work of art!
Luke: I agree with everything you just said, particularly the part about Ryan Babygoose. This is a virile logo, one capable of impregnating every other logo in the league. I also like the subtle use of purple. The only other purple team in the NFL is a raven who needs both a tattoo removal and a shave. This is my second-favorite human logo.
New England Patriots
Jason: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it part 2. The old Patriots (don’t you EVER call them the Pats!) logo was fantastic. An angry, ’roided up minuteman with bejeweled cuffs and calves that won’t quit who is also hiking a football? Why would you ever get rid of that?
Luke: Preaching to the choir here, sir. Here comes a hot take: This logo is singlehandedly responsible for transforming Boston fans from lovable losers into Tahmmys. I’m not supposed to take that into account, so I’ll let it go. Regardless, the old Patriot looks like someone who’d pound some brews with me. The new Patriot looks like someone who’d snootily judge my beer choice as he sips his cocktail.
Jason: The new logo looks like they put a windsock on a corpse. Third-best in the human category. Should be dead last, but, you know…Washington.
Luke: Washington.
New Orleans Saints
Luke: I love this logo and you are dead to me if you disagree. Best symbol in the league.
Jason: I disagree, but only if it’s safe to hate the Saints again. Fleur-de-lis???
Luke: Fleur-de-lis.
Jason: So, quick story. I did not know what a fleur-de-lis was until a few years ago when we had to repaint the fence around our building. Turns out we had one of those tiny, little sons-a-bitches on EVERY one of the the posts. Spent the entire day painting them. I’m pretty sure fleur-de-lis, loosely translated in Creole, means “There goes your entire Saturday.”
Luke: As I said, I’m a sucker for a logo that pays homage to the culture of the city. France and warrior culture match up about as well as New Orleans and not taking your shirt off, but the decision to go French paid off. Where the Patriots pulled a turncoat on their classic logo, the Saints had the smarts to stick with a classic.
New York Giants
Jason: I hate how much I love this logo.
Luke: What a coincidence! I also hate how much you love this logo. Are you serious or are you trolling me right now?
Jason: First, they went lowercase before it was cool. Second, just blue, trimmed in red. No racing stripes or mean-looking mascots. Nothing flashy. Seems like a hard logo to hate. But then again, you’re you.
Luke: So what you’re saying to me is that you prefer this lowercase logo to the GIANTS logo of old.
Jason: I do. STOP YELLING AT ME, LOGO.
Luke: I disagree with you so hard right now. This thing looks like something a kid draws before he learns uppercase is a thing. I’m pretty sure the “Y” is the pelican from Finding Nemo. Time for a personal tangent of my own. You know the part in Nemo when the pelly is talking to the little clownfish in the aquarium? Telling him his dad loves him so much that he’s crossing the ocean to find him? And the music’s swelling and Nemo’s eyes are getting bigger and bigger? Holy balls do I ever lose it during that scene. Every. Single. Time. ERMAHGERD I FOUND IT ON YOUTUBE.
New York Jets
Luke: Lol.
Jason: This is a pathetic logo.
Luke: You’re the Jets. You can create any plane you want, which is great because planes are pure magic. Instead? You have a spelling bee. Facepalm.
Jason: It’s like they forgot to erase the old logo before doing the next version. “Should we get rid of the ‘NY’ before we add the word ‘Jets’?” “Nah, just slap it on top and don’t forget to add a football so no one confuses us with the Jets baseball team that does not exist.”
Luke: Worst lettered logo? I say yes.
Jason: Worst lettered logo of all time.
Oakland Raiders
Luke: Tennessee? Hi, it’s everyone else. If you must use a shield, this is how it’s done.
Jason: This might be the only clean-shaven pirate in recorded history. Wait, raiders are pirates, right? Yeah, they’re pirates.
Luke: This logo is so old-school cool. We have quite possibly the chillest pirate of all time, being all loosey-goosey with his chin strap.
Jason: I did some digging on this logo’s history, and OH NO:
A name-the-team contest was held by the Oakland Tribune, and the winner was the Oakland Señors. After a few weeks of being the butt of local jokes, the fledgling team changed their name nine days later to the Oakland Raiders, which had finished third in the naming contest.
So then they made the logo in this guy’s likeness. I wish they were the Oakland Señors.
Luke: The Oakland Señors would definitely have a much friendlier fan base. But I prefer the Raiders because this logo is wonderful. I like the pirate’s facial expression. He looks content, like he just dropped a really satisfying deuce.
Jason: False. He looks sad because you don’t recognize him from 1962’s Ride the High Country.
Philadelphia Eagles
Jason: Oh look! Someone made a logo that faces the other way?
Luke: Yeah, hang on, what’s the deal with that? Why is it the only one facing left?
Jason: I had so much bad to say about this logo, but now I’m fixated on the left thing.
Luke: Well I kind of love this logo, so rant away so I can scream at you.
Jason: LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT.
Luke: Okay, sounds like your system is overheated. Please reboot. In the meantime, here’s why I love it. After we published part 1, one of our designers (hi, Samantha!) pointed out the Falcons logo forms the shape of an F. This is legit. Thus, I began to look for lettering everywhere. And this eagle’s mullet forms an E. That is 100% certified bananas foster.
Jason: Whoa. Left.
Luke: Fun fact: If the logo faced the same way as the others, they could be called the Philadelphia Threegles.
Jason: (Jason has left the conversation.)
Pittsburgh Steelers
Jason: I think this is one of the few logos that just seems to ooze the city it’s for.
Luke: Yes.
Jason: It just FEELS like Pittsburgh.
Luke: YES.
Jason: This logo would beat me up in a bar. It’s better than me. If I mention white space, this logo just smiles knowingly as if to say, “Way to go, kid.”
Luke: Anyone who says they hate this logo has been poisoned by decades of (admittedly insufferable) football success and squawking fans.
Jason: This logo is the best ever. It can have my Coke. No really, it can have it.
San Diego Chargers
Jason: Full disclosure, everyone. When Luke and I started talking about doing this logo thing, I mentioned the Chargers and how much I liked their logo. He then proceeded to ruin it for me forever.
Luke: Any Chargers fans may want to skip down to the Niners section. Ready? Okay, great. Your logo is a toupee. It’s the only lightning bolt that doubles as a hairpiece. And as every NFL fan knows, nothing says potent and dangerous game quite like a big fat rug. Look at that thing. It looks like a midlife crisis.
Jason: I can’t unsee it. What kind of a lightning bolt is limp?
Luke: Seriously. It’s a lightning bolt! One of nature’s most wonderful and awe-inspiring phenomena! How do you screw it up this much? My favorite part of this train wreck: The helmet literally looks like it’s wearing a piece. I can’t get over it.
Jason: PLEASE STOP!
Luke: Okay, I’m done. Higher-ups in San Diego, please take note: Simple Truth will gladly redesign your logo.
San Francisco 49ers
Jason: I appreciate the clean look of this one, but come on San Francisco, you got rid of one of the most badass logos in the business.
Luke: Wow, look at that guy. He is less than thrilled.
Jason: Less than thrilled? He’s the “the hootenest, root’nest, shootenest” gun-slinger in the West!
Luke: If there’s one thing this exercise has taught me, it’s how much I can’t stand wasted potential. No logo apart from the Patriots had so much opportunity to pull from American history, and instead they stamp “SF” in an oval. What a letdown.
Seattle Seahawks
Luke: I’m honestly kind of scared by how much I love this logo. It’s so cranky. By far the crankiest in the league. What on earth did you do to warrant that death stare?
Jason: This is one disappointed bird. It reminds me of the look my dad gave me when I told him what I got on my ACT. Please love me, Dad-bird!
Luke: You told me last time that a seahawk is an actual bird, but I remain skeptical. I can’t tell if this logo has fins or wings, which is a plus in my book. This petulant creature doesn’t discriminate. It’s equally happy to commit air murder or water murder.
Jason: It reminds me of a cartoon bird I can’t place. Gimme a second.
Luke: By all means, take your time. I’m sure everyone wants us to drag this out even more.
Jason: It’s a hypothermic Buzzy Buzzard who just found out he got charged a late fee because he didn’t get his payment in before 8 pm PST.
St. Louis Rams
Jason: Ram angry. RAM HEADBUTT.
Luke: Does this beige make you as upset as it makes me?
Jason: I don’t think “beige” has ever been used in the same sentence as the word “upset”.
Luke: True statement. Profound. Deep. Vintage Jason. Hey, do you remember the old Rams yellow? Bring that back, please.
Jason: You know what this ram needs?
Luke: What?
Jason: A racing stripe. Love you, Buffalo logo!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Luke: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Sponsored by Walt Disney World! Coming this spring: Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Gets Scurvy. Bring the kids!
Jason: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it part 3. The old one was a REAL logo. He’s chewing on a knife!! What is your logo doing? Making an angry face? Oooh. Scary. This one has a sharp blade in close proximity to its tongue!
Luke: How right you are. The Bucs have the single greatest murdered logo in the NFL. On top of being dangerous, the old buccaneer was dead sexy. If my wife told me she was leaving me for him, I’d probably high-five her.
Jason: Everything is better with a jaunty hat. He’s winking!! OMG he’s winking!!!
Tennessee Titans
Luke: You know what’s intimidating? Flying shields. You know what’s even more intimidating? Flying shields with explosive diarrhea.
Jason: I miss the Oilers.
Luke: Yes. I don’t even care that there’s no oil in Tennesee. It was such a great look that it was worth hanging onto.
Jason: The “T” is a sword for some reason. That’s not uncool, right?
Luke: Oh, so that star up top is the handle? Yeah, I didn’t get that at all. What are the other two stars doing there?
Jason: They came over from Texas.
Washington Redskins
Jason: Nope.
Luke: Confirmed. Get a new logo.
Jason’s 10 Worst Logos
10. Jaguars
9. Buccaneers
8. Patriots
7. Lions
6. Chargers
5. Ravens
4. Panthers
3. Redskins
2. Jets
1. Browns
Luke’s 10 Worst Logos
10. 49ers
9. Ravens
8. Titans
7. Jaguars
6. Texans
5. Panthers
4. Chargers
3. Jets
2. Redskins
1. Browns
Jason’s 10 Best Logos
10. Bears
9. Colts
8. Bills
7. Seahawks
6. Cowboys
5. Steelers
4. Giants
3. Vikings
2. Packers
1. Texans
Luke’s 10 Best Logos
10. Eagles
9. Colts
8. Raiders
7. Bears
6. Vikings
5. Packers
4. Cowboys
3. Seahawks
2. Steelers
1. Saints
If you made it all the way down here, you’re one of the good ones. Thanks for going along for the ride. If you had as much fun reading this as these two did writing it, consider clicking “Recommend” or “Follow” or “Share” or just tell a friend face to face. Happy football season!
