The man who’s never seen Jurassic Park
Two of our writers on Spielberg’s 1993 culture-shifter
Luke and Jason are copywriters at Simple Truth. They previously reviewed NFL logos together despite knowing nothing about design.
Now they’re back because Jason wants to yell at Luke for completely missing a ton of cinematic staples of the 80s and 90s. First up: Jurassic Park, the first film that grossed $1 billion at the box office. Luke has never seen it.
Wait. How has he never seen it?
Luke: I read the book. Does that count?
Jason: Wow. My level of anger was already at DEFCON 3 (and this made it worse). In what world would you read that amazing book and not see the movie?
Luke: Pretty sure I read the book a few years after the movie came out. Fun read. Had lots of dinosaurs in it, as I recall.
Jason: So when literally the entire world saw this movie, you saw what instead?
Luke: Hmm. Probably rewatching The Land Before Time (shoutout to Spike). I was 10 when JP came out, and my parents had a clear “No PG-13 until 13” rule in our house.
Jason: Your age-dropping has taken us to DEFCON 2.
Side note: Look at this Murderers’ Row of movies that were out at the same time! Throw out Guilty as Sin and Mario Bros and that’s an insane list!
So you don’t see Jurassic Park when you’re 10, why not see it when you’re 13?
Luke: I’m the oldest of four kids, and when we watched movies it was almost always together. When I was by myself, I had a Playstation.
Jason: This movie was a game-changer. CGI that no one had seen before combined with Dolby sound that no one had heard before…and you’re sitting on your couch playing video games with much lower quality than Jurassic Park. Good plan.
Luke: In my defense, I’ve seen bits and pieces of it countless times on TV. The Newman death scene, for some reason, is always on. I’m pretty sure they just loop it for two hours straight on USA.
Jason: This, right here. You have no reference to this iconic scene. That makes me sad for you.
Jason: And this.
Jason: Oh, and this scene still gives me chills every time.
Luke: That “WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH” banner seems pretty cheeseballs. You sure this movie isn’t cheeseballs?
Jason: I’m sure.
Luke: So it holds up?
Jason: Yes.
Luke: So this is from a different movie?
Jason: Look. It’s dinosaurs and it’s Spielberg. It will always hold up. The early 90s Apple computers don’t hold up. Good catch.
Luke: Should I commit to watching this thing as soon as possible?
Jason: YES.
Luke: Looks like it’s not streaming anywhere. I’ll just see Jurassic World instead. Same thing.
Jason: Don’t even get me started on that piece of hot garbage.
Jason explains Jurassic Park.
Luke: I have an idea. Walk me through the story beats. When you’re done, I’ll let you know if it holds up.
Jason: Story opens with wide sweeping shot of a helicopter traveling to an undisclosed island. I believe, once they get close, the billionaire proprietor says “Welcome to Jurassic Park.” It’s also possible that line is uttered when they enter the park, but I think I’m right.
Luke: Is the billionaire the old dude with the beard?
Jason: Yes. The tan-suited, bespectacled gentleman.
Luke: He seems nice. He’s like every grandpa ever. He’s still nice at the end, right? Please tell me he’s nice at the end.
Jason: 22-YEAR OLD SPOILER ALERT: I think he’s dead at the end.
Luke: Of natural causes?
Jason: If angry dinosaurs are natural, sure.
Luke: NOOOOOOO. RIP POP-POP. Ok, then what happens?
Jason: Jeff Goldblum (the snarky scientist), Laura Dern (the high-pants scientist), Sam Neill (the skeptical scientist), Pop-Pop and his two grandkids tour the park. They see dinosaurs up close, they help birth a triceratops. Joy is handed out like candy. This is the happiest point of the movie. It’s also the end of Act 1.
Luke: Got it. Act 2: Newman screws up, dinosaurs gain control, all hope is lost, etc. Gimme a Jurassic Park dinosaur power rankings.
Jason:
- Tyrannosaurus rex
- Raptors
- The hooded spitty things
- All those boring leafeaters
- That poor goat
Luke: Act 3. Victory. How do they pull it off?
Jason: Uh. They really don’t. Almost everyone gets eaten.
Luke: Oh.
Jason: Yeah. Dern and the kids escape only because a) raptors suck at kitchen hide-and-seek, and b) the tyrannosaurs rex beats the raptor in the banner scene.
Luke: So the t-rex is the unexpected hero?
Jason: He is. He’s the Milton of this film. Sans the red stapler.
Luke: I did NOT see that coming. What a twist! I shall now applaud my monitor much like the moviegoers who clap during the closing credits. This thing definitely holds up. So glad I saw it. Hey, have I ever told you I’ve never seen The Karate Kid?
Jason: I hope you’re joking.
Luke: I am not.
Jason: You are the worst.
