The Hands-on Husband Is Not Who You Think He Is

This article updates an earlier piece that I originally posted to Medium in June 2019. Incorporating helpful feedback, I have adjusted some of the vocabulary in that original article.*

I hope you enjoy the new version.

Words Define Expectations

New vocabulary can identify an innovation: smart phone, bingeable, jeggings. Or new vocabulary can articulate something that has always existed, but was not previously named: mansplaining, hangry, time suck. These latter concepts have long existed in our culture, but — before we were armed with the appropriate vocabulary and a shared understanding — referring to concepts like this in casual conversation inevitably entailed a lengthy explanation.

Before, you would say to a friend, “my co-worker is awful — he’s the kind of guy that talks over me all the time. You know what I mean? Even just during hallway talk, like casual conversations, he interrupts me and has the need to explain things to me that I already understand. And I would tell him I understand if he would let me say more than 3 words at a time.”

Now you can say, “my co-worker is awful — he is a serial mansplainer.”

You see the difference?

Having professional and personal interests in household dynamics, I needed new vocabulary to effectively describe the role of the average guy as well as the solid, steady partner we all dream of.

So, allow me to present two terms that I humbly ask you to consider using in your own conversations, emails, tweets and texts: the Hands-On Husband and the Equal Partner. Both kinds of men have long existed in our culture. Both have been indirectly described in books and articles related to the increasingly popular topic of household gender dynamics. But neither archetype has been clearly defined or given a simple label.

The Hands-On Husband is not who you think he is.

In a child-free house, a Hands-On Husband makes the bed, cooks Saturday morning pancakes, and mans the grill for the neighborhood block party. In a house with kids he changes diapers, takes the kids to see Frozen II and coaches Little League. Basically, to a varying degree, this guy helps with tasks. Sometimes he knows what to do on his own, but most of the time he needs to be asked or reminded.

The key to understanding this set of behaviors is that the Hands-On Husband does not manage anything in the house. And this is not a minor point. As many women know, the functioning of a home is a series of processes. Management of those processes takes immeasurable time and energy, leading to what is often referred to as a woman’s emotional burden.

Take the block party example above. Sure, the Hands-On Husband is happy to cook hotdogs and hamburgers. He’ll even keep the cooler stocked with beer. But who organized the event with the neighbors? Who made a plan in case it rained? Who bought all the supplies and food? Who cleaned the tables and chairs and then set them up? Who made all the side dishes? Who cleans up at the end of the day?

Are you with me?

I realize the phrase Hands-On might throw you off at first, because traditionally we’ve used this phrase to describe a good situation. And sure, this guy I described is better than the “King of the Castle” of generations past, as our grandmothers like to remind us.

In a home without kids, a Hands-On might be easy to get along with and his shortcomings may go unnoticed. Because his partner can manage the household, work 40+ hours a week, and still find time for hobbies after outsourcing some tasks to her partner.

But everyone with kids knows that children change everything.

For moms, anyway.

As Darcy Lockman documents and describes in her 2019 book, the average dad’s life has not changed much since before he had kids. The Hands-On has maintained his schedule and his identity, despite his transition to fatherhood. Even with little kids, he can still go to the gym, get 8-hours of sleep and stay late at work. Whereas his wife’s world has done a complete 180. Her exercise is hauling loads of laundry up the stairs. She hasn’t slept through the night in years. She leaves work at five on the dot to pick the kids up from day-care. This high level of stress and unhealthy multi-tasking can lead women to feel depressed, empty, and dissatisfied with life.

The “Equal Partner” is our new standard.

In contrast to the Hands-On Husband, an Equal Partner does not just share in the household tasks, he shares in the management. An Equal Partner is not an administrative assistant or sous-chef to his wife; nor does he lean on his wife to be the household expert. This domestic companion manages household responsibilities himself. In other words, this guy does not just flip burgers — he buys the meat, makes the sides and washes the dishes.

In a home without kids an Equal Partner will manage about half the processes in the home; maybe he is responsible for all laundry, or all food, or all pet-care. He does not just do 50% of the housework, he takes on half of the emotional burden. In a home with kids, the Equal Partner is on a first-name basis with his kids’ teachers, day-care educators and pediatrician. He helps assemble Halloween costumes and sends birthday Evites from his own email account. He takes off work to care for a sick child, even if it annoys his boss. He regularly gives up his own leisure activities to do his equal part for his family’s household needs.

Anne-Marie Slaughter sums this up when she speaks about traditional male/female roles as breadwinners or care-givers. An Equal Partner is both, as is his wife. In an equally balanced household, roles and responsibilities are not designated by arbitrary gender stereotypes, but the product of honest conversations and conscious decisions.

An Equal Partner does not assume his wife will do (fill in the blank) simply because she is a woman.

Obviously, men do not fit into neatly labeled boxes; they’re somewhere along a continuum that stretches from the King of the Castle to the Hands-On Husband to the Equal Partner. Many are between two markers, and household roles shift and change over time.

Why Does Any of This Matter?

We know women’s progress in the workforce has not translated into change in the home. Data show women in North America still do 50% more household work than men, even in double-income households. The weight of household responsibilities (think transportation of kids to and from school, taking time off when kids are sick or schools are closed, evening hours devoted to cooking and dishes, etc.) often disrupts a woman’s career and wages, the effects of which are compounded over time. The rosiest of all predictions estimate that at the current trajectory, we won’t see hetero partnerships achieving anything near domestic equality for another 75 years.

This means that if you are 40, in the best possible circumstance, your great-great grandchildren will be the first generation to be free of gender stereotypes in the household. Are you OK with that?

Let’s be honest. The Hands-On Husband is our compromise, not our ideal.

Without a word to describe what we expect in a partner, how can we assume our partners will meet our expectations? Now that we have these words, we can continue talking about household gender balance with greater clarity, articulating what we have, what we want, and what we expect in the future.

* The Hands-On Husband was once the Hands-On Dad. “Husband” is more inclusive of all men in relationships — those who are fathers, and those who are not. The Equal Partner was once the Good Egg. There were STRONG opinions about the term Good Egg, and frankly most people hated it. So instead I am using this more obvious and direct phrase.