A 23%-Accurate Recap Of The Year In Tech — January 2017
For those not obsessed with “research” and “facts.”
Like most people, you’re probably too busy to keep up with the constant avalanche of tech news. It’s widely known that 99.7% of adults over thirty don’t know the difference between photo-based social networks Instagram and Snapchat* (just remember the handy mnemonic SIWIWBISMACSNF: Snapchat is what Instagram will be in six months after copying Snapchat’s newest features”).
You may be tired of kids laughing at you, and you’re thinking of course they can pay attention to this crap — they have all the time in the world… start worrying about paying a mortgage and feeding a family and then we’ll see how up to speed you are on how many pretzels of resolution the screen on the iPhone 10X or whatever is going to have.
Punks.
If so, then you can rest assured that this series of columns will likely make things worse.
See, just like getting our news from late night talk show monologues or Weekend Update (as 96.7% of us do*), the stories here are true, but the analysis is… less so.
Here’s what tech had in store for us in January, 2017…
*This is undoubtedly wrong. You should get used to that.
It’s Called An Homage — A Desperate, Frantic Homage
Jerry Seinfeld got himself a $100 million deal to bring Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee from Crackle to Netflix. “Yeah, so, what do we care? We’ll be f-f-fine,” said Crackle executives as they hurriedly ramped up production on their hot new show Teachers in Toyotas Getting Tea.
It Depends On Which Angle You Look At The Subscribers From
Sprint has purchased 33% of music service Tidal. The artist-owned streaming service claims 3 million subscribers, though many feel this number is wildly inflated, with the actual total closer to 1 million. The Sprint funding will allow Tidal to focus more on their secondary business of estimating inauguration crowds.
I’d Hate To Have To Raid The Emergency Bags In The Panic Room
Amazon’s Dash buttons let you reorder items with just a push of the button. Now Amazon is placing virtual Dash buttons on shoppers’ home screens.
So when I run out of Doritos I’m supposed to — what? — try and tap that tiny button on my phone without accidentally ordering a Roku-equipped 42-inch TV? Or get up from the couch (I always run out of Doritos on the couch) and walk to the computer, boot up, log in to Amazon and then click on the damn button? Guess again.
You can have my physical Dash button when you pry it from my Jacked-3D-Bacon-Cheddar-Ranch-dust-caked hand.
We Apologize… For Overestimating How Hard They Were Willing To Work
Uber reached a $20 million settlement with the FTC for exaggerating drivers’ potential income, quoting a “median” annual income that only 10% of drivers reached.
“Okay, maybe we were a little high on how much they would make, but don’t forget the importance of schedule flexibility. We still say our drivers can make a pretty penny, whether they decide to work 6am-to-midnight or noon-to-6am eighteen-hour shifts.”
I’ll Sleep When I’m Rich
An MIT study found that 3,000 ride-hailing vehicles could meet 94% of the demand currently handled by 14,000 taxis in New York City, though the simulation required self-driving vehicles running continuously for extended hours.
“Who says they have to be self-driving?” yelled sub-median-earning Uber drivers as they hunted for the accelerator through a clattering, calf-deep sea of Red Bull cans.
Good News Employee 0051 — Even Less Email For You
A French law now requires companies of more than 50 employees to establish hours when work email is not to be sent or received, enabling said employees to not feel that they are perpetually “on call.” The hope is that this leads to less stress and burnout among workers, though many experts expect the primary result to be France leading the world in companies of exactly 50 employees.
Buy High, Sell High. Or At Least Really Drunk.
The value of the digital currency Bitcoin surpassed $1,000 for the first time in three years on the Bitstamp exchange. In other fake currency news, the magic beans I got for the family cow are now worth 14 flippityzillion dibzerts on the Beanstamp exchange.
That’s it for January. Stop back for February’s “news” when we’ll hear Crackle say, “Mail Carriers on Mopeds Getting Milk?”
A version of this post first appeared at http://www.dailytechnewsshow.com/category/writing/weeklytechviews/
