I’m Tired of Writing

Photo by A L L E F . V I N I C I U S Δ on Unsplash

I’m tired of writing about negative LGBTQ headlines. I don’t want to talk about how Dwight Howard tried to have a person killed and somehow transwomen are evil because of some screenshots and recordings. I don’t want to keep writing about how trans people are terrified of going to the bathroom in public. I don’t want to keep writing about how hard it is to transition, especially with the gatekeeping in the medical field.

Someone tried to shove bible verses in my face to prove that these bigots have a right to antagonize LGBTQ people. Someone else tried to tell me that LGBTQ people are already over-represented.

I don’t want to write about how LGBTQ kids are much more likely to be bullied, kicked out, sexually harassed, develop mental illnesses like anxiety and depression, develop self–harming habits, and attempt suicide. I don’t want to feel like I have to write a piece on Trans Day of Rememberance and talk about the intense pain so many of us endure just trying to be ourselves.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing another negative story centered around LGBTQ people every time I load up Twitter. I’m tired of seeing my trans brothers and sisters feel like they’ll never get to live in their truth because of transphobic, disgusting bigots. I’m tired of seeing the hopelessness eat us alive.

Someone says they don’t think kids should be allowed to transition. They should be forced to wait until they’re older. What happens if they don’t make it to 21? What happens if the pain eats at them until they swallow a bottle of pills? Until they slit their wrists and cut too deep? Until they get a hold of a gun and make their brains go everywhere? Until they just give up?

Some believe that gay kids should be sent to conversion camps. They’re still a thing in parts of the US. Why would you send a kid to some camp to be tortured and constantly told something is wrong with them simply because they’re attracted to the same gender? Have you heard the horror stories that come from those camps? Would you send one of your kids to one knowing what they do to those poor children? Or do you only care about getting rid of “the gay”?

Someone says trans surgeries are cosmetic and they aren’t necessary. Tell me what’s the point of living if you can’t be truly happy. Show me where these surgeries haven’t saved lives. Just because you can’t see us bleeding doesn’t mean that we aren’t hurting.

I’m tired of picking an article based on how much it pissed me off. I’m tired of using bitter anger to fuel my words. LGBTQ people are facing death in other countries. LGBTQ people are being targeted and attacked just down the street from you. People and their hyper Twitter fingers hop on every day just to shit on us.

Photo by Mercedes Mehling on Unsplash

I’m tired, but I’m far from done. Every time I receive a response from a homophobic, transphobic bigot, it only makes me want to write that much more. Every time someone tells me that one of my pieces helped them, it only reassures me that I’m doing the right thing.

I might take a break. I might not post for a few days, or even a week, but I will always come back. I’ll come back for my LGBTQ family. I’ll come back to remind them that they’re not alone. You can throw all the Bible verses you want. You can spew all the bitter bigotry you want. I will always come back. I will always fight for my community.

I don’t care if you think we only make up 0.1% of 7 billion+ and that somehow means we don’t matter. I will write for that 0.1% until my hands no longer work. Even then, there are programs that will let me talk and it’ll type for me. I’ll keep writing until I can’t use my brain anymore.

I don’t care if you think we’re a humongous sin stain. Everybody sins. You sin. Matter of fact, you sin every time you judge us for being who we are. Take a moment to count how many times you’ve sinned today.

I’m tired, but I’m not a quitter. I will keep writing and sharing our stories. I will keep fighting for us.

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"My pen isn't afraid to speak the truth" - Marsha Ambrosius