Monsters Aren’t Just Under the Bed

Kids are afraid of the monsters under their bed.

They see the creepy shadows from the window and they become terrified. They get these cool looking night lights that burn until the sun returns.

They lean over and peek under the bed into the black hole known as the monster’s den. Their imagination runs wild as if it had been a beast uncaged. Monsters are formed in their minds in such vivid detail. Characteristics such as how many teeth they have and the color of their fur are embedded into their memory. These monsters live in their nightmares.

They hide in the closet, in the bathroom cabinets, and under the bed. At night, they crawl out with a devilish grin and begin to lurk around the child’s room. They run to their parents’ room with teary eyes and oxygen-deprived lungs. They jump into bed and fold into themselves, terrified out of their minds. As they grow older, these monsters fade away from memory. They become mere trifles.

Adults are afraid of the monsters that live in their mind.

These thoughts pop into their head, almost as if there’s a person whispering into their ear. The voice says things that even the worst bully couldn’t think of. The voice of the monster is full of malice since they have nothing to lose. Their words turn into pure venom and began to break down every brick of self confidence you took so long to stack.

The monster has no face, so you let it borrow the one you see in the mirror every day. The element of surprise is the monster’s most valuable weapon. You could be having an amazing week and all of a sudden it’s 3 am on a Sunday and the monster is giving its atrocious monologue. It’s 3 am and you’re staring at the ceiling, afraid to even move.

The monster is reminding you of every self destructive path you ever walked. It makes relapse sound like its inevitable; it makes success sound impossible. It might be 11pm and you have to get up early tomorrow, but the monster doesn’t care. It believes its a perfect time to rip you to shreds. They use their malicious tongue to talk you into slipping back into the barrel of self harm, maybe even suicidal thoughts.

Monsters have always been a part of my life, whether they were under the bed or under my peaceful thoughts. They say once you’ve experienced depression and/or suicidal tendencies, you’ll fight it forever. Recovery isn’t a 12 step program where you get a cookie and a certificate at the end.

Recovery is picking yourself off the ground every time you fall apart. Recovery is like love, it’s a consistent choice that has to be made daily and sometimes even multiple times daily. The important thing to remember is that the light is always at the end of the tunnel. It never rains forever, even though sometimes it might seem like it. My monsters and I are at war. Some days we’re in the trenches. Other days we’re in a cease fire. Monsters never back down, so neither can I.