The Silent Killer of Cotton

The ultimate conspiracy plaguing citizens of the United States is not the Kennedy assasination. It’s not the mythical rise of Donald Trump. It’s not ‘Where is Bobby Fisher?’

No, people. The real conspiracy that eats into your lives every single goddam day (or week depending on how often you do this thing) is the travesty of washing machine design. These machines were designed in conjunction with department stores to degrade your clothes at a faster rate so that you would need to buy more. Clearly a vast global conspiracy.

Have you listened to these things? Washing machines sound like two grown ass men wrestling to the death in a frothing, freezing ocean. The dryer sounds like a criminal is holding a child by his ankles and shaking him down for all his change.

What are these machines cleaning? Cotton, people. Cotton, Nylon, whatever the fuck your clothes are made of. It’s really no matter. These materials don’t need to be bashed. Get a clothes line and some patience. Let’s end this conspiracy to keep us going back to Macy’s.