Getting Ready to Date Again After Divorce

You probably haven’t thought of some of these things …

Image by Rachel Scott from Pixabay

There’s a lot of advice out there about dating after you get divorced.

Most of this advice is interesting, but the truth is, not everyone approaches dating in the same way. The way you deal with dating often reflects what your marriage was like, and how it ended.

If your ex decided to initiate the divorce, you might not be able to even think about dating for a while because you’re mourning the unexpected death of your relationship. Then there are women like me who are trapped in loveless marriages for most of our adult lives. We rush into everything seeking experience and attention, usually before we’re ready for it. In between these two generalized categories is a whole range of wants, needs, and desires that divorced people have about dating, based on their relationship histories. No one’s heart (and body) wants the same thing, in the same way.

After too many years as a neglected wife, I was definitely one of those people on a runaway train about dating. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, other than the fact that I had zero interest in being in a long-term relationship right away and wanted to meet men who were nothing like my ex-husband. In a transitory city like Washington, D.C., this was easy to find, sometimes intoxicating. I learned a lot along the way, usually through mistakes I made, and I’m still learning. Here are some insights that I wish someone had shared with me, before I got back out there again.

Don’t buy into absolutism

Once your marriage ends, there’s a part of you that will want simple, categories and labels to help solve the mysteries and create all your boundaries for you. You’ll desperately look for prescriptions on how to live your life, now that you’re single again. Only you can find your way, no one can tell you how to get there. A lot of people will claim to know what’s best for you and assume they’re familiar with what your reality is like, even if they’ve never been divorced or married. Some examples:

Absolutism #1: The only way to meet people is through online dating.

It’s true, dating apps like Bumble and Hinge make it easier to scout out potential dates and make plans. But it’s still entirely possible to meet people in real life, in the moment. You can go to a bar, your friend’s dinner party, that coffee place near your office, and flirt with someone, exchange numbers, cocktails, witty banter, whatever. You’ll meet someone, not because you swiped right, but because you were just out there in the actual world, existing, curious, open to possibility, and someone picked up on it.

I’ve dated men I met at a bar, the grocery store, even my building. I made out with this cute neighbor a few times, but ultimately he turned out to be one of the greatest disappointments in life — a hot guy who is a terrible kisser. I told him I just wanted to be friends, and distanced myself. It made doing laundry in our basement and riding the elevator really awkward, whenever we ran into each other. I was relieved when he finally moved.

I once let this soccer coach from Morocco kiss me after striking up a conversation with each other during a long walk I took one night under a full moon. The whole experience had a Richard Linklater sort of randomness that could have naturally unfolded into dating, if I hadn’t been such a mess at the time. I sat on a park bench with him talking and kissing him for a while, then suddenly took off, because I was scared of how new and strange it felt to be close to someone I had just met. I took a chance on a man I met at Trader Joe’s, and we ended up dating for a while. Maybe time heals all wounds.

If and when you’re ready, of course you can do online dating. But it’s not the ONLY WAY, and people who throw those sorts of truth shackles on newly single people who have never done online dating before need to stop freaking them out with this impending doom.

Absolutism #2: You are either totally alone or in a serious relationship.

Again, no. You don’t have to necessarily follow society’s marching orders and pair yourself off with someone in a long-term relationship right away (that’s “LTR” for those of you who are schooling yourselves in different dating acronyms) as a way of avoiding being alone.

The greatest discovery for me, after getting divorced? The many ways I could choose to be with and relate to men I wanted, the many relationships that exist between singledom and couplehood. Sometimes that meant having a few fun weekends with the guy I was interested in (or even a few fun hours), then deciding I didn’t want to see them again. Sometimes it meant dating them for eight months, falling in love, trying to create something serious with them, realizing one of us was not emotionally ready for it, and getting my heart broken. Sometimes it meant not going out at all and simply reading novels and watching movies featuring men whose romance they had with other characters made me wish they were real.

It’s not unusual, particularly when you’re doing online dating, to have several potential relationships starting at once. Not everyone can handle it or is even attracted to enough people to have this happen, but if you can, don’t feel guilty about it. There’s nothing wrong with seeing more than one person while you determine where your heart is, if that’s what you want. Just be up front that you’re generally dating other people, if someone asks about it, and clearly communicate where you’re at and what you want along the way. In other words, don’t lead them on only to ditch them later, after they mistakenly think you’re in a serious relationship. This is harder than it sounds, but it is possible and completely okay, in my book, to find out what different people are like, what different people you like. Many men date like this, and I don’t see why women should feel guilty about doing the same.

The idea of not being in a couple after you’re divorced … that also doesn’t have to be as terrible and extreme as it sounds. Solitude takes on a whole new depth and richness when you’re on the other side of a marriage that didn’t work. Sure, there are nights you will weep, listen to music that reminds you of easier times and maybe eat way too much ice cream. But you’ll also reach this brave, new world Alone Place where you realize you have a second chance to be whatever you want, and it’s terrifying and wonderful at the same time. It takes a while to get there, but when you do, you’ll crave solitude. You’ll light candles for it, write in journals during it to see what surfaces. You might even take up a new activity, like running or painting watercolor, just to be alone with your thoughts and realize it’s powerful, to have this time to just think and decide how you want things to be, now that you’re free again.

Not being in a partnership does not mean total isolation. There are days when I wonder if I might be this busy, artsy writer lady for the rest of my life, with great lovers, lots of dinner parties and a handful of close friends, but no real marriage or long-term partnership. I no longer think this terrifying. I actually think this could be kind of amazing.

Go back to sex ed school

If you’ve been married forever and find yourself single again, it’s likely the last time you thought about safe sex was in whatever class you had to take in high school. A LOT has changed since then, and it’s smart to brush up on the latest so you’re in charge of your sexual health and confident about the decisions you’re making.

I highly recommend going to see your OBGYN for the sole purpose of having an honest discussion about how you’re single again. Get everything checked out, talk about your options, review the basics. There have been a lot of updates over the past decade. For example, did you know that women ages 27–45 can now get Gardasil 9, the vaccine for hpv? That’s a fairly recent development, and a huge victory for those of us who are older and want to enjoy sex but are freaked out about getting cervical cancer. The shot lingers for a few days, like getting your tetanus shot, but is so worth it.

You might also be ready to use a new birth control option, like an IUD instead of taking the pill. Even little things you haven’t thought about in forever, like trying a different brand of condoms, can be life-changing. This is your time to reclaim your power, rewrite your story. Knowledge is power, and power is enjoying sex safely and responsibly.

In addition to medical professionals, there’s a whole psychology to post-divorce sex that can be daunting without encouragement and information from outside expertise. You’re becoming a different person, and it’s possible you’ll have new desires, things you want to try that your ex never liked. Find a trusted friend who is a veteran single person and talk to them about what’s out there and how to learn more about it and enjoy it. Depending on where you live, there might be sex workshops that are really enlightening and run by experienced professionals who are more than willing to answer questions you have about toys you might want to try, books to read, etc. If you live in a small town where sex shops are frowned upon or you don’t feel comfortable venturing inside, go online and check out places like Babeland, an educational website with lots of information and support for enjoying a sex-positive life.

Be open to redefining what friendship looks like

Divorces often mean his-and-her friends. This is really tough, for most people. You go through your Facebook Friend list and realize there are people who no longer make sense in your new life, who make you feel too vulnerable and exposed as you separate yourself from your ex and start dating again.

The good news about this paring down of friendship assets? You will meet and become close to people you never would have thought about when you were married who will serve new purposes in your life. They won’t necessarily be who you think they’ll be, like the moms of your kids’ friends you always talked to before but who now remind you of what you no longer have. They might instead be someone at work who has been through a divorce herself and is a funny, relatable person you like to grab drinks or dinner with occasionally. Or “activity” friends who are always up for going with you somewhere, like the Millennial you met at the office who loves going to art openings and museum events as much as you do.

Making new friends after you’re divorced is not that different from dating. You’ll have to try people out, see if they are life-giving or if they remind you of your failed marriage.

The things you experienced with your ex that made you unhappy— for example, being with someone controlling who liked to make you feel bad while also convincing you that you needed them— that stuff will also surface in potential friendships. You can learn to spot those things in friendships and then apply those same best practices to dating, as you reinvent the support network you need in your new life.

Having a good group of friends gets you to a healthy place where you feel confident about who you’re becoming, reassured that when things fall apart with whomever you’re seeing, you’ll be fine because you have people who love you anyway. When you feel good about yourself, it’s much more likely you will have positive dating experiences and eventually meet someone who makes it all worth it.