Telling stories

invisible exclusion

Daily there is at least one inspiring story in the #mynerdstory theme. Women from different socioeconomic backgrounds, localities, ethnicities sharing how they got into tech and the adventures along the way. At first it was inspiring. Then it was sad. I haven’t seen someone like me. Maybe I haven’t read enough stories. I worry that if I actively pursue reading the stories that I won’t find any.

A couple years ago I didn’t see enough women speaking. If I wanted to see more women speaking, I recognized that I needed to stand up and speak.

If I want to see more people like me and I don’t see enough stories like mine, I recognize that I need to share.

This is not my nerd story.

In general when we see something “not” us we can have a number of responses.

Young people and an old person. Caucasians and a single Mexican. Formal dress and the person in jeans. People walking around and the person in the wheelchair. Extroverts and the lone introvert. People with faces and the person who has lost their face.

Regardless of the situation, or where you fit in the equation your internal dialogue and the experience you have whether you are other or in the “in crowd” you are defined and catalogued every day over and over again. All of these micro-interactions lead to judgement of whether you accepted and played into the “group-think”. A constant evaluation of you. Are you more “in” than “other”, do you accept your “other”. This is oversimplification.

You don’t need to care what people think of you.

That is privilege speaking.

You have to care what people think of you in the number of ways that impact you every hour of the day. These innumerable calculations and cataloging affect how well you live. They build the weak ties that connect us to one another and build community.

How we find jobs. Keep jobs. Find a home. Keep a home. Build relationships that nurture and allow growth. How we establish truth and character. How we ensure safety.

How we build a net that allows us to walk the high wire of life to benefit from the risk taking without dying.

Sharing an origin story is some part for self and in large part for the audience. Speaking your personal truth versus the emotion you want to leave with others. Relationships you want to build and strengthen, connections you want to make.

At times my experience feels like internal scars invisible to the naked eye marking me as other. There is much I can not say if I want to shape the conversation in my chosen direction focused on the positive rather than these scars.

I could edit “my story” and focus on all the positives. It wouldn’t reach the people like me. It wouldn’t help someone like me to find their voice. It wouldn’t be my voice.

If this rings true for you, it is ok to not tell your story. It is important that you have a voice. Recognize that you can have a voice without having to share your story. You are not excluded from this community of technical people supporting one another.

If this rings true for you and you need someone to talk to, please reach out. You are not alone.

It can get better.

Whatever age you are, be a student. Learn as much as you can. It is not ever too late to make a change and find a passion in the field of technology.

Technology can introduce you to people with your interests, your passions, and your beliefs. Dream and pursue those dreams. There are free resources out there for learning. If you don’t know where to look, ask.

You might not have a good barometer for trust. Don’t trust everyone. Not every guy is a bad guy, and not every gal is a good gal. Trust someone.

Build a support system. Life isn’t black or white or even shades of greys. People are complex and different and a large number of shallow relationships can be “enough” to start with. The internet is great for building up your communication skills.

Work hard. For yourself first. For your future. Don’t take on responsibilities for others until you have your basic needs met. Food. Shelter. Clothing. Find what resources are available for you in your local community.

If there are no resources available and you are in a bad situation, move. Don’t stick around because you feel like you need to. Don’t assume the responsibility for others regardless of their relationship until you have your basic needs met. If you need help moving, ask for help. If it feels like you are bound tight in a rubber band ball of relationship constraints preventing you from moving on, get help and cut the ties until you are strong enough not to be pulled back in.

Forgive yourself. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your fault or not. The reality is that you blame yourself and until you forgive yourself it will eat away at you. Keep forgiving yourself because you will make mistakes.

Be your own head cheerleader. There is enough people in life that will tear you down. Celebrate your wins however small they are.

It can get better. Technology can play a big part in that. You are the only one who can make that decision to aim for something more and make it better. Positive change requires active participation. Don’t wait for the knight in shining armor to rescue you. Be your own heroine. It’s your story.

This is not my nerd story and I appreciate you reading.

Thank you.