30 tips for parents of gifted kids from parents of gifted kids
Sometimes parenting an academically advanced child feels like working on an impossibly hard jigsaw puzzle. You sift through pieces of information to find what best fits your kid, always wondering if the information you need is out of reach.
Advice from parents familiar with this challenge can help solve sections of the puzzle. When Christina R. asked members of the CTY Parents Facebook Group for the best advice they had received or things they wish they had known earlier for parenting their gifted child, members came through with a bevy of helpful tips. Here are 30 of our favorites:
Be their advocate.
“Gifted kids are not just really bright kids. Their brains work differently and they have different needs. Your child needs the guidance of people who understand that. You have to advocate for them at every step, even with people who are trained to work with gifted kids. Listen to the kids, not the teachers, about whether their needs are being met. Read a couple of books about parenting gifted kids. It’s hard and often lonely. Good luck! — Sarah D.
“A lot of teachers do not ‘get’ gifted kids. You will have some fabulous ones that do–and they will love your kids. You will [have] others that don’t and make sure those teachers do not squeeze the zest for learning and creativity out of your child. Teach your child to behave appropriately, of course, but safeguard their curiosity and ability to think outside the box.” — Debbie W.
“You may need to re-evaluate your child’s education every year or even semester. A school or program that fits one year may not fit the next! We’ve found this to be true.” — Mireya B.
“Do not rely on your public school or private school. Do your own research and talk to other parents and educators in your community. Gather information from multiple resources!” — Mary Kate G.
Follow their lead.
“If they are truly gifted, provide access to information or things they are interested in — they will go from there. And that may mean new things every 3 weeks–Rubik’s cube in every form, then magic, then butterflies. It’s exhausting.” — Yvette K.
“When my daughter was in kindergarten, at recess she didn’t want to play with the other kids. She preferred to read or do an art or craft project. The teacher told me that “now” (age 5) was when she would develop lifelong friendships and that kids who didn’t form bonds with other kids often suffer mentally. I reached out to my pediatrician whose first question was ‘Is she happy doing what she is doing?’ The answer was YES! Her very active brain needed that time to disengage from others. She is now 17, a junior in high school and will be the valedictorian. She ‘found her people’ in high school doing activities she loves like theatre and choir, instead of being forced to play kickball like she was in kindergarten. My advice is: guide them but let them lead the way. Offer opportunities to explore all different things but don’t push. Not all kids love sports, not all kids want to be at the center of the crowd.” — Angela L.
“That they are truly ‘special needs’ and that my life as a parent will end up revolving around meeting their exceptional needs. I pictured my youngest getting to full-day kindergarten and me heading back to work. Turns out we had to become homeschoolers (what kind of weirdos homeschool?!?!) and now I’m chauffeuring my 11-year-old to college most days of the week. That is 100% not what I pictured when bringing my babies home from the hospital.” — Britt V.
“The best thing I did was delete a ton of parenting social media groups when my son was 3.
He fits no mold. (And certainly every child is unique.). But he loves things that keyboard warrior parents will assure you kids don’t want to do or can’t do or shouldn’t be made to do.
When I ignored everything and asked him what he wanted to do, he flourished.” — Tracey B.
Let them do hard things.
“Model failure to show them how a person recovers and learns. Laugh a lot.” — Ka J.
“So much is easy for them, they can literally sail through to adulthood without learning how to meet a challenge. One failed task can rock their little worlds and set off an existential crisis. Let them do hard things, let them fail, teach them resilience, and when you see those weaknesses, that’s a great opportunity to put some effort in. It might be math for the kid down the street and it might be social skills for your kid, but don’t just write off a major weakness.” — Anya M.
“No two gifted children or paths are the same. The goal is to learn how to learn, whatever the level that has to be. Find peers. And model failure and provide safe spaces for failure as much as possible.” — Sarah S.
“Don’t let them be in a class where they’re significantly stronger than the rest of the class. Put them with kids of their level.” — Inna K.
Don’t forget about the whole kid.
“Take care of their heart and their mind will follow. It’s easy to get caught up with their intelligence, but their happiness is just as important.” — Allison L.
“Keep them physically engaged with sports/socializing. Not just academics 24/7.” — Theresa D.
“The goal is to help them become adults–but not too soon. No school will ever meet any child’s needs. Cultivate lots of interests and get out–go to museums, theater, sports. Don’t overlook what’s at your local level–kids don’t care if you do it with them.” — Kristin R.
“Music. Don’t forget to feed a love of music. Our child played violin and one day we stuck a guitar in his hands and they are soul mates.” — Amy B.
“Our family motto is, ‘The smarter they are, the dumber they are.’ You get so used to them being advanced in some things, it comes as a shock how behind they are in others.” — Alina W.
“If I had to do it all over again I would not focus on the academics so soon. I wish I had sent my son to a nature program until he was 10. I would have introduced music earlier. I would have focused more on the love of reading and writing for pleasure and having him keep a daily journal. More art.” — Laura K.
“Don’t force them to do stuff. Introduce them, and those gifted in that area will move ahead on their own. But introduce a LOT of different topics.” — Stephen C.
“Realize they won’t be gifted when it comes to everything. So don’t push. Mental health is paramount. Gifted children feel a lot of pressure to live up to the moniker.” — Rebecca D.
“It’s not a bad idea to have a good therapist who specializes in working with gifted children. Their minds are always spinning and processing and it can be overwhelming for them. A therapist can also help you with their 504 and IEP or EP (depending) plans for school and advocacy to provide services needed.” — Loren S.
“The pressure doesn’t seem much at the beginning. They learn strategies to mask it. But ultimately the pressure to always perform can become too much. I would have really backed off all the goals/achievements that my child claimed to have wanted. In the end, she wasn’t doing it for herself. It’s a hard road back. — Diana S.
“They don’t know when they’re burnt out, so keep an eye on them and their activities, and scale back as needed.” — Darice F.
Put the pedestal away.
“The best advice: Always praise their efforts, not their achievements. That way they learn that making an effort is more important than the outcome/result. — Tahiya S.
“Don’t make them the center of your world. From what I witnessed, gifted kids treated fairly within the family fend better than the ones that are put on a pedestal. If they receive too much attention growing up, they might be left to keep seeking for the same attention for the rest of their lives.” — Chloé G.
“Focus on expanding horizons in all areas (academic, cultural, artistic, athletic and social) and do your part to help your kid not be an incorrigible jerk. Achievement will come on its own, but learning from and working with others are skills that are required for success as a human. — Carol K.
“Never ever focus on your child’s intelligence or how smart they are, especially when talking to them! Always focus on effort and hard work. If you focus on intelligence, when they fail they will equate the failure to being dumb, get frustrated, and then just stop trying.” — Jaye S.
“Follow their lead regarding subjects of interest or things to dive deep into. Give them your leadership regarding subjects of life, life skills, and executive function. The first, they know better. The latter, most don’t have a clue, but they’ll need these skills eventually.” — Juliana K.
“Don’t burden them with too much time spent on academics which results in the shrinkage of other important areas of life skills, like physical fitness and mental and social health. Keep unsupervised free play time as a fixed part of their daily schedule and treat it as a sacred time no academic deadline can ever touch.” — Sarira M.
“Help them find their people. (Hint: their people might not be at their school). Don’t give up until you do. It’s a game changer when your child finally finds other kids s/he can relate to.” — Jacqueline R.
Share your best advice. Got a tip about what you wish you had known earlier about parenting your academically advanced child to share with others? Submit it here.
