How to build your child’s emotional intelligence with books
By Katy Bowman
Emotional intelligence can help us navigate the world from a place of understanding, practice greater self-acceptance, and engage in healthier, more empathetic relationships. Research shows that kids with high emotional intelligence tend to be skilled at paying attention, staying engaged, solving problems, and managing conflict.
While many factors contribute to a child’s emotional development, reading can play a key role in unlocking emotional intelligence. “Books are fantastic for teaching empathy, because you can’t live every life, but by reading books, you inhabit the lives of different characters and explore different worldviews without the risk,” said Michelle Muratori, senior counselor at the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY).
Here are some creative ways to nurture your child’s emotional intelligence with books:
Help them describe their feelings
When kids are little, before they have the language to describe emotions, they express their feelings however they can, Muratori said. As their vocabulary grows, a feelings wheel or mood meter can help hone in on precise words for basic feelings like happy, sad, angry, and scared. Parents and teachers can use these tools during story time to encourage thoughtful discussions about feelings — and the ways characters and readers experience them.
Choose stories that help them feel less alone
“Misery loves company,” as the saying goes, and when a hardship comes our way, reading about someone who is going through what you are can be comforting and educational. It reminds us that we’re not the only one in the world dealing with a problem, while showing us how characters handle similar issues — and what some potential outcomes may be. A Google search or query at your local library for books about whatever subject is on your child’s mind can yield some welcome literary companionship. Parents or teachers of little kids may find these books about how to handle strong emotions helpful, while older kids may find solace in these books about overcoming adversity and books about real-life struggles. The annual CTY Reading List also has great book suggestions for kids of all ages. Common Sense Media is a good resource for helping a child choose age-appropriate books.
Choose stories with unfamiliar characters
“Literature is a powerful way to learn about the human experience, not only through characters that we have some immediate similarities with, but also through characters who are, on the surface, incredibly different from us,” said Jamie Hiroshi White, interim senior language arts program manager at CTY. Readers can build connections with characters — no matter how different their lives may be — by recognizing similar thought processes, or relatable internal or external conflicts, he said.
Adults can reinforce these connections with questions: “Why do you think they acted the way they did in that situation?”, “What barriers did they experience that could have caused them to act that way?”, “Have you ever been in a situation that made you feel the way they felt?”, and “If you were that character’s friend, what would you want to tell them?” Answering these questions can help children build empathy, rather than judge characters for decisions they make in a story.
Encourage them to reflect — and revisit their reflections
White suggested having kids save memorable lines from books and posting them around a classroom, on the refrigerator, or in a scrapbook to encourage continued reflection. “Transferring them from the book into those other spaces can help build a library of sentences we can look back to for hope or strength, or to tap back into a feeling, or experience that same gift at a later time when we need it,” he said. That transfer can take many forms, he said: “It can be illustrated, cross-stitched, or carved.”
As they grow, kids will bring a changing perspective to the quotations they’ve chosen, so the project can become an ongoing consideration of a feeling, theme, or phrase. White suggested readers keep a “living list” of the ways they feel connected to a story at different points throughout their life. “It can become a journal of how we’re moving through continued adversity and challenges,” he said.
Model empathy: Point out growth in characters, kids, and yourself
Kids should know that as human beings, they are allowed to experience a whole range of emotions, Muratori said. The growth happens when we learn to sit with some negative feelings and channel them appropriately. When you do see emotional growth, whether in real life or in a story, celebrate it. “Pointing out examples of when someone — a parent, a child, or a character — handles their problems in healthy ways, and reflecting on the growth they experienced throughout the situation, can help the child reflect on their own growth and develop those tools, so they feel good about the good decisions they made,” Muratori said. “Developing emotional intelligence is all about making good decisions.”
