“My boss invited us all to a BBQ, but I’m not comfortable socializing yet. What should I do?”
The hidden power dynamics in “distanced” work parties
September is on the horizon, and COVID fatigue is a thing. We miss our friends, our lives, and maybe even our colleagues. While most of the office-based businesses in our network are still WFH, many teams are planning to break the monotony by reuniting for an outdoor hangout of some kind. Photos of picnics, pool parties and park days are creeping back onto Instagram.
As we baby-step our way out of full quarantine and start to make more plans, there can be a big gap between what different people are comfortable doing. While some colleagues might be patio hopping and eager to reconnect, others are anxious, immunocompromised, or otherwise just not ready. And that’s fine.
However, not everyone is comfortable saying no to the boss who’s making big reunion plans. The art of declining your CEO’s invitation (vs say, your sister’s) is a different beast. And if you’re the boss, there’s an art to organizing a distanced event that doesn’t make folks feel obligated or uncomfortable.
If you’re not sure:
If you’re trying to scope out how distanced the event will be, it can be tricky to ask without feeling like you’re offending. Asking questions can feel like you don’t trust your boss to be a conscious and hygienic host. If this is the case for you, you can simply say “no thanks” (see below) or, since different people have different ideas of “safe” and “distanced”, try using yes-or-no questions based on what you are personally comfortable with.
For example, instead of “will we be practicing social distancing?”, try “will everyone be wearing masks?” or “will everyone be bringing their own food?”
Maybe you feel totally comfortable with the situation and are looking forward to reuniting. But if you feel like you’re only saying yes to please others, listen to your gut.
If you just want to say no:
You might have perfected your kind but firm “no” when it comes to family and friends. But power structures mean that saying no to the person who writes your performance review might be a bit more difficult. And if it’s during the workday, you can’t exactly blame “having other plans”.
If you have a medical reason not to attend, you can talk about it, but don’t feel pressure to. Zaira, a Marketing Manager who is immunocompromised, says she tends to take a direct approach.
“ I’d say something like ‘Hey, listen, I would love to attend but I’m quite high risk, and while I realize the risk is relatively low and I completely appreciate that precautions will be taken, I don’t yet feel comfortable attending gatherings’. So far, no one has given me grief about it”
That said, there’s no need to share your health status with your coworkers. A simple “no thanks, I can’t make it” is perfectly fine. If you’re pushed, you can always say you’ve got family members you’re worried about (don’t we all, in some way?) and leave it at that.
If you’re healthy but simply not cool with in-person events, know that you’re not alone. Steph, an HR manager, says she just doesn’t feel right getting social yet.
“I miss my team members incredibly and I can’t wait until it’s safe to see them. But COVID-19 scares the crap out of me — both the thought of catching it and the thought that I could unknowingly spread it to others. The idea of socializing without a vaccine or effective treatment terrifies me. I still love my colleagues, but they’ll have to gather without me!”
Avoid shaming folks who make different decisions than you’re comfortable with. It might be infuriating to see people not following the same rules that you are, but unless it’s an extreme situation, it’s unlikely to be the right call in a professional setting.
If you’re game to attend
First, don’t judge those that sit it out. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life, and everyone has different comfort levels that should be respected.
Next, do your part. Stay apart, and wear a mask if staying 6 feet away at all times isn’t possible. Know that alcohol can lower inhibitions, so if drinks are part of the plan, remember to stay diligent.
Finally, don’t force people to share your space, offer them a sip of your rosé, or tease them if they bring a measuring tape. This is not the time to push boundaries.
If you’re there and distancing is SO not a thing:
The invite said “distanced”, but everyone’s sitting around the lunch table next to each other, mask-free, sharing some nachos. If you’re uncomfortable piping up, just pack up and go. Thank your boss for organizing the event, and say you had a great time but have to get going. Depending on your relationship with your manager, explaining why (and risking criticizing their hosting skills in the process) could get awkward.
If you’re the boss:
Set very clear expectations about the gathering. Emphasize that attendance is completely optional, that no questions will be asked if people don’t want to attend, and outline all of the safety precautions attendees can expect.
Also, consider inviting folks in a private chat, so that someone who cannot or does not feel comfortable attending doesn’t have to announce their reasoning (and possibly defend it) in front of the whole team.
While you plan, be aware of power structures, and know that not everyone will be comfortable saying no to you. Jason, a manager at a tech firm, recently got together with colleagues, but kept it to folks who he shared equal status with.
“I would definitely take seniority/experience level into account before proposing anything. Someone early in their career is likely to have a hard time saying ‘no’ to a manager or other higher-up, even if you reassure them over and over. I’d be too worried that they’d let the fear of disappointing the boss override their wishes, and I don’t want to be the one who pushed them to do something that makes them uncomfortable”.
That said, if you’re not inviting everyone, be aware that access to social events can reinforce power structures, too. Stick to casual “life” talk and don’t make business decisions that would otherwise involve those who decline or are not included.
Shared food is also a no-no — leave the charcuterie board at home. Consider ordering food and drink that is packaged separately, or you can provide a budget for folks to pick up something they like and bring it on their own.
Remember that enforcing distance is YOUR job, and people will be looking for you to lead. Consider marking space, like placing (clean) blankets or cushions a measured 6 feet apart. Enforce mask wearing for moments when folks need to go indoors (say, to use the washroom) or cannot be a proper distance away. Provide hand sanitizer.
You can also consider having a virtual event in addition (or instead), so that team members who cannot attend an in person gathering can still bond with the team. Services like Wavy and Care/Of are offering fun team adventures that happen completely online.
Finally, have fun! When planned well and executed with finesse, a distanced team event can be a fantastic way to bond, have fun, and break up the WFH monotony. Taylor, who manages a finance team, planned a park visit. His team discussed safety in advance, brought their own blankets, and had a fun day everyone felt comfortable with.
“We had a picnic six feet apart from each other, with lots of sanitizer, and caught up on more personal details of our lives. We didn’t talk about anything work related at all, and got to play some games. It certainly was refreshing to see real life-sized people and brought some much needed energy back into our team dynamic.”
Happy (safe) planning!
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Bright + Early is a modern HR consultancy on a mission to craft the world’s best workplaces. We partner with early to mid-stage companies who need to scale fast but stay friendly. Nothing in place? Don’t know where to start? No problem.
