An Anxious Body
I consider myself a highly ambitious person. I don’t like to procrastinate. I need to stay busy. Checklists and tight schedules are my friends. And now, more than halfway through college, an incessant mental voice mourns that I’ve failed to publish a piece of original work.
I’m an anxious person. All the time. When I was little, I was worried that I would get lost at the beach, or kidnapped at the mall, or not picked up from elementary school. At university, I’ve been worried about earning two degrees, or balancing work and social life, or, especially, moving out on my own. Time spirals and some days I feel like I can’t breathe because of the anxiety sprinting through my chest.
I’m thankful when anxiety is positive rather than negative, and I’ve accepted the fact that the energy won’t leave, no matter how strongly I wish it away. Change is inevitable. Disruptions are a pattern of life. These facts can be difficult to accept, but I’ve learned to cope amidst fluctuation. There are several ways I manage, even if feelings scream that I can’t.
When I began this journey overseas, I told myself a little lie: the mental stress will fade. Not erase, but relax. How could I worry when I have a new life to create, a beautiful country to explore, lavish plans to travel, and lots of people to invest in? This is the UK! This is the holiday season! This is my dream life!
The foreign change collides with physical phenomenon. Boom. Dumped alone overseas, managing city systems, forming relationships without getting too attached — stress adds up. For the past few weeks, I have not been what I hoped. Too exhausted to go out, or some days, even stay up past 10:00. So cold I can’t focus on anything but the need for warmth, right now. No motivation to write so much as one chapter (even this blog is difficult to update). What is happening? Did I expect too much from this trip? Do I expect too much of myself?
This week, I have focused on serious self-care. Visited little patisseries with friends just to grab a warm chai on a rainy day. Made little trips to the mall simply to try on outfits I know I won’t have room to stuff in my suitcase. Forced myself to sit in the library and finish projects so I can conjure up a sense of accomplishment. This semester is definitely preparing me for the real world, the one without my house or relatives. I’m getting used to the “thrill” of living outside a comfort bubble.
My faith is also coming alive for me. God is sustaining me, and He always reveals little blessings I don’t expect and normally wouldn’t make the effort to find. I ask Him every day to remind me of my purpose here. Time is short. There’s just over a month left of my trip to Scotland.
Two of my favorite verses right now: 3 John 1:2 and Psalm 116:7. These verses speak of rest, of God’s goodness, of wellness for the soul. I need these verses every day, to fill myself with Christ’s joy and remind myself of His faithfulness.
It is week eleven. The final week of classes. I’ve typed away hours of this weekend, scrutinizing my script-writing and journalism projects. Inside, I feel as though I’m slacking off. Not working hard enough. Not contributing to my studies. The truth, however, is this semester’s lack of assignments has made me bored out of my mind. Now I’m faced with three papers, assignments I was not made aware of until a few classes ago. I feel lost. Confused. It is a good thing these academic credits transfer pass/fail.
The prospect of cosying up in my bedroom with a cheesy holiday movie sounds more refreshing than a night out. I don’t know why. I skipped a chance to go out with friends last Thursday, felt guilty about a lack of motivation, and gave myself a break after realizing that would be my fifth night out in two weeks. On the opposite end, I am planning trips out of town left and right. I just came back yesterday from a trip to Perth. On Wednesday there’s the Edinburgh Christmas Market, and I bought tickets to go to England this Saturday.
When will I stifle my anxiety? I probably never can. This is one lesson I’ve learned while studying abroad; my stress is not circumstantial so much as it is physical.
I’m an anxious body, and I need to force the energy out.
