Smoke ’em, pass ’em: Napoleon status Week 1 edition

I quit my job today. And at 4 p.m. I get on a flight to Amsterdam. And because of the Russia visa fiasco you might’ve read about, it’s essentially a one-way ticket. I got an Jim Irsay-sized boner for the amount of drugs and unnecessary adventures I’m gonna rain down on Europe. Think of a reverse Beatlemania without the shitty bebop music. When I’m done that continent will be praying that Napoleon or Hitler had wiped them from the earth.

You know what’s wrong with most of America?[ref]Besides being three drinks behind and not understanding the read-option.[/ref] They never fucking do anything. I mean, have you looked at Americans recently? Just sitting around on stoops and eating fucking white bread and Crisco. Why aren’t we in the streets waving black flags with pick axes and spades while slitting throats? And, don’t get me wrong. I have no vital lies, because I know that traipsing around Europe playing out some pathetic, white man, mid-life crisis isn’t doing anything either.

But, gotdammit, people, the question still echoes: Why aren’t we doing something?

Probably because the NFL is starting. And it’s the greatest distraction they ever gave us poor plebeians. And when I’m sipping mushroom tea and wandering beside a canal in about 20 hours, I can tell you there will be a small part of me wishing I could watch eight hours of pregame and eat white bread sandwiches and Crisco cookies.

I’m glad to be back, bitches. Hash Team, assemble.

Smoke ‘Em

Quarterbacks

Tom Brady @ MIA- Touchdown Tommy, why did you forsake us last season? It was Gronk’s fault because of his chronic Hep Hamilton. It was Danny Amendola being hurt all the time because God is punishing him for being a fucking grown man named Danny. But now these guys are healthy and Julian Edelman has a cooler and smaller head than Wes Welker. I expect Tom to load up his gun and shoot ’em down. And as long as we are on innuendo, have you Googled Tom’s wife lately? Ol’ girl is hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire.

Sneaky start: Geno Smith v OAK- I admit it, I’ve talked up Geno and Eric Decker too much at this point. But I honestly think Geno will create with his legs and if Chris Johnson has anything left, this offense will move the ball. And, anyway, they will run offensive plays. Plus, I’ll take anyone against the Raiders, especially an East Coast game. If GenoDeck fails, I won’t feel bad at all because why would you take advice from someone who quits their perfectly good job to go do drugs in a foreign land? You really need to look in the mirror.

Running backs

Matt Forte v BUF- The best part about guys like Forte and Frank Gore and Marshawn Lynch is that they are reliable. They are the Ernest Hemingways of fantasy football: tough, consistent, and you always know what you’re gonna get. It’s curt and cuts at you and brings you everything you wanted without ever even knowing it. Isn’t that amazing? I think I’m gonna read “The Sun Also Rises” while I’m in Europe just to be so fucking cliched. And I’m gonna roll Forte out against Buffalo because that squad is going to be more defeated than what I’d imagine Jake Barnes was when he found out he was impotent.

Sneaky start: Knowshon Moreno v NE- So New England comes off a year when they were 30th against the run. They might’ve addressed needs. To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t give a fuck. Ask Rumford Johnny, he knows all that stuff or so he claims. Anyway, this Moreno pick is mostly just for my own benefit. I own this sumbetch in every flex this side of the Kankakee.

Wide receivers

Djulio Unchained v NO- Of course you’re going to start him. But I need to let all this go. Just as Europe will be a purging of emotions, I need to let last year go. I need to know that last year will not happen again. Julio’s foot is fine. He’s gonna wreck shit like a other greats with foot problems; he’s going to call on all of them for help — from Long John Silver to Tom Dempsey to Jim Abbott. Put your best foot forward, Julio Jones. We’re counting on you.

Sneaky start: Terrance Williams v SF- I am gonna gamble and say this: At home against an opponent that is going to hang points, the Cowboys are gonna be chucking it. This secondary of San Francisco might not be up to snuff either. And I know about snuff, because I saw it in an old movie on TCM. You ever watch that channel? The nostalgia and beauty would make John Facenda piss his NFL Films-supplied khakis.

Tight end

Ladarius Green @ ARI- I’ve heard that the routes he runs aren’t crisp enough. I’ve heard that Antonio “Gates to Canton opening soon” won’t go away. Well, you can have all that and the San Diego sun, and still go piss up a rope. This guy is an athletic freak and I’ll take that against a team that seems to get burned in the seam. Homonyms, homies.

Defense/special teams

NYJ v OAK- Da Raiders. Da Disappointed. Even if Derek Carr is the vehicle for their future[ref]I do hate myself most of the time.[/ref] I will take this defense in its opener at home against a rookie QB. Can someone get ahold of Joe Namath? I want him to kiss me for all the love I’m giving the Jets.

Pass ‘em

Quarterbacks

Brian Hoyer @ PIT- Balding and mediocre is noway to go through life. What did Eminem say about about Moby? I think he was actually talking about Hoyer. Honestly he could’ve been alright but Hash Gordon was about that smoking life and so now their WRs are thinner than my chances of a normal life. I’d guess on the road, with Johnny Manziel’s bitter-cocaine breath on his neck, Hoyer will struggle to do much of anything.

RGIII @ HOU- Brutally tragic like MacBeth or Othello — and I chose the latter because of the easy reference not because the protagonist is a black man and thus to point out the racial tension that surrounds the Washington nickname, of which a great deal has been written and will be written and nothing more shall be written about it here — RGIII disappointed everyone last year. The preseason has done nothing to quell the fear that this guy might have lost something along the way. He’s harder to figure out than listening to Radiohead backwards or reading Samuel Beckett in French. I’ll pass on him this week and see how all this plays out.

Running backs

Fred Jackson @ CHI- If Forte, Gore, and Lynch are Hemingways than Jackson is William Faulkner: also consistent, never ending, and kind of fucking boring. But that makes it sound as if I don’t like them. It’s quite the contrary, actually, as I love both. But, again, I think this Buffalo team is gonna struggle more than poor spinster Emily Grierson. Amirite, English lit majors?

Trent Richardson against whomever- My good friend said that Trent should have his bust on Mount Rushless. Shut it down because that couldn’t be more true, folks. This guy is so lethargic I’d guess he likes Spam on white bread and M&M Crisco cupcakes.

Wide receivers

Justin Hunter @ KC- He might have a breakout, but I’d wait on this party. Feels like we need to take a wait and see approach with these young WRs with immature QBs throwing to them. I really wish Justin’s name was “Dustin.” Because I would totally fucking name my fantasy team “Angel Dustin Hunter.”

Jarrett Boykin @ SEA- I have him on every team but one. Some asshole friend of mine must actually believe the nonsense I tweet because I’ve been overdrafting the shit out of him to make sure I grabbed him. In Green Bay there’s no true number one tight end. He’s filling the James Jones role — and if he could’ve only stayed healthy the numbers as a three would’ve impressed. Boykin showed in flashes with Aaron Rodgers last year that he’s hungrier for the ball than Tara Reid at a “Sharknado” premiere after-party. But at Seattle makes me super nervous. I’ll wait on this breakout, too.

Tight ends

Tim Wright @ MIA- Give him some time and we might all be clamoring to get this guy. But this is too early for me. It’s never too late. But sometimes it’s too early. That’s what this Smoke ’em, Pass ’em has taught me. That, and if I drink a half bottle of rye and eat hash brownies, I should start writing earlier.

Defense/special teams

NO @ ATL- This was the hot pick for a solid, cheap D but this game tends to be intense. They play each other well and I’ll pass on them this week. You should know that I might not survive Europe. But you should also know that I’ll go out in a blaze of glory like a Goya painting or a Bon Jovi song. So don’t worry about me. I’ll catch you cats on the flip side.
@Dexters_Library really is off to Europe with a one-way ticket. For Weeks 2 and 3, Eddie “Hot Chocolate: Special Drink” Strait will be assuming the puff, puff, pass reigns. Namaste.